become one

it has been a while, like 1 year ago. Installed blog apps on smartphone, cuz i need to write something, else I'll forgot and the thought might gone forever. so i just read about depression, got it from a link posted on facebook, and surprisingly, the contents in that site kinda true.

I can only talk about depression through my perspective. About 3 years ago, I succumb to depression, it was a hard time, everytime i went out of the house, i forced myself to switch into a persona, a kind of happy go lucky that i usually show to other people, but when i went back into my room, my personal space, i become myself again, the one who succumb into depression. sometimes i cried, hurt myself, you name it. that was a tough time. that suicide thought always pop in my mind, cuz i can't handle the mental pain. why don't you ask for help from other people you asked? simple, cuz i don't want to burden them with my problem, and with that kind of mentality, i started to do things on my own, and reaching someone for help is my last resort when facing problems. 3 years ago, i just thought depression is a mental type of pain, it hurts you mentally, and all can i say is that 3 years ago, that dark entity known as depression was trying to consumed me, conquering my mind, and in that process hurting me.

3 years later, I'm still thinking about suicide and depressive stuff. but it feel weird, because whenever I thinking about it, I don't feel pain, mentally speaking. surprisingly, i feel content about it. also, 3 years of putting that happy-go-lucky persona just makes me unable to find myself, in fact, right now I'm in the stage of finding which one is the real me. i feel lost, unable to find a way to move on, as if time has stop. thinking about suicide just makes me feel empty, i feel nothing. as if depression has became part of me now, part of my identity that no one knew.

And about people that spreading awareness about mental, im just having a thought that no matter how willing you to help people in depression, there will be one day that you just fed up with people who experiencing depression. that is one of my reason to not getting help from people. if you guys offended with my statement above, im sorry, but i don't give a sheet anyway. just my 2 cents. who know you guy might change my perspective in future endeavours. detecting people who having a heavy depression are hard. cuz they are the master of hiding their pain and suffering.

thats all.

First post in 2017...... welp

I don't want to get married, thank you and have a nice day.

To believe again

Sometimes believing in somethings might left you disappointed in future. I experienced it. It hurts. I slowly started to not to believe in things, even GOD. I slowly turned into a cynical person. Always second guess at everything. When shit are about to hit me, I let it be, like I don't even care anymore. I don't even care about anything.
I still admit that there is good in me, but I'm just tired. Tired of everything. This so called last semester might not be my last semester. Maybe experienced too much disappointment had left me crippled, mentally and emotionally. I missed being the old, younger me. Full of positive emotions. But now, I don't know who or what am I. I'm human obviously but what kind of human. Good or bad? I have no idea.

QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM

You know what's the situation that really pissed me off? A fucking beggar who actually is not a real beggar but a beggar who can do shit and stuff just like me, but they are fucking too lazy to settle and solve their own shits.

You have a lot of times given by lecturer to solve your own job, your assignment, but instead you just whining there whining here because your laptop can't handle shit. Pathetic. Then you asked me for help, and obviously I help your sorry ass, you copied everything that I did, everything that I solved, I spent my bloody time try to solve that assignment. What a fucker. You know how much I hate people who just copy other people's work, especially those who pass the subject, while the other who do their work by figuring it out all by themself, fail? I experienced that shitty moment last semester. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE MORE THAN I HATE NAJIB HIMSELF.

I don't have anything to say anymore. If I get zero for my assignment, I'll fucking kill you.

Letih

Aku letih sangat.

Fed up.

Rasa macam takde guna je aku terus hidup kat dunia ni.

Aku rasa nak bunuh diri.

Aku rasa nak bunuh orang.

Aku rasa nak pecahkan kepala ni, hoping for my memories to fade away.

I tired of stay strong.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to end my pain.

I just want for my brain to stop thinking unnecessary things.

Habiskan 3, 4 kotak rokok pun aku takkan tenang.

Apa tah lagi kalau aku sembahyang, makin kacau jiwa aku.

I just a useless piece of shit.

Who can't do anything to support himself.

Fuck.

untitled

I can't sleep, sooooooooo lets rambling on this post....

Being honest

After watching this anime, I felt like.... I've done the wrong things about 'jaga hati manusia sekeliling'. Yeah, words sometimes hurts people, but lying just nak jaga hati orang, tu lagi salah. Because you telling a wrong fact to someone and it might cause some trouble for them in future. FUCK ME RIGHT! I ALWAYS DO THIS! Tipu so that org tu tak terasa konon, padahal aku simpan apa yang aku rasa, the truth, then semua benda melimpah keluar dari botol sebab banyak sangat benda yg tersimpan sampai botol tak muat, last2 pecah. Lagi2 masa tu aku tak terfikir side effect kat org yang aku dah tipu.

Yeah, sometimes it hurts when hearing the truth, but are you willing to suffer later because of lies that someone tells to you in order to avoid hurting your feeling? No, right? But in reality people kept do this things because they sick of watching people react to the truth. Most of them can't face the truth, then they kept bitching around about it.

So, from now on, I'm just going to be honest, not that brutal honest, cause it can brutally hurts people lol.

finally the bottle cracked and shattered

Have you ever bottle all those feeling of sadness, regret, disappointment, guilt, and everything that related to emotional wrecking feelings? I usually do that whenever people make me sad, used me for their own good, bullied me, laugh at my appearance, etc. The lists are endless. That's me, I bottle things up, I don't let myself to show that negative emotions. I just show the positive emotions, the happy me. I started to bottled my feelings since highschool. Then, in my third year of studying in UNIMAS, the bottle cracked a little bit, then finally it shattered because of that particular song. The interesting part is the song is not a sad song, what makes me crying is the meaning of the songs. I said to myself "After all these years of enduring, now you finally cry." I think a lot at that time when I was traveling back to my hometown. The songs is about a person who felt that he is a useless person, the one who always giving hard time to everyone. But at the same time, he try to improve himself, so he try to distance himself from his family and friends, so that he can learn how to be useful to himself first. Then year pass by and he met his friends. "how are you doing" he said to them. He's a changed man. He thanked his friend for always supporting him when he was a useless person. And that makes me cry. I felt like the songs is dedicated to me. The one who always disappointing his parent, gave a lot of hard time to them. But compare to the guy in the songs, I didn't try to improve myself to be a better person. I cried a lot at that time "what a disappointment you are" I said to myself.

Would I be able to call that happiness from the bottom of my heart?

When I'm trying to reminiscing event from the past, I felt like something important is missing. I can't feel the emotion when I touched certain memories from the past. It felts empty, emotionless. But I noticed that I'm more focused on facts from the past. Am I become more cynical? It felts really wrong. It felts like I'm not a human being at all, after all human being has emotion. Am I a heartless person?

Damn this thing is really ticking me off.

Untitled

Tbh with u all, aku tak pernah rasa diri aku ni baik. Org kata aku ni baik or a good person or whatever you wanna call because i did the right things that generate that good impression within their heart. Aku buat benda tu selagi benda tu betul, kalau org mintak tolong, aku tolong takat yang aku mampu. Org mintak nasihat, aku bagi based on my past experiences. Semua org boleh buat apa yg aku buat. And if that's the case, then semua org baik la kan. Satu benda je yg korang tak tau pasal aku, aku tak pernah nak buat baik pada diri aku sendiri. Aku selalu buat benda bodoh. Selalu buat diri ni mcm useless. Tak pernah nak jaga baik2 hati diri sendiri. Makan pun tak betul. Some people might say that you just being yourself, but the question is, are you? Food for thought, adakah melukakan diri sendiri secara fizikal mahupun mental dianggap sebagai "being yourself"? My answer: No. Kalau diorang buat apa yg aku dah stated previously, then they are in big trouble. Either diorang depressed or psycho or whatever you wanna label it, those people need support. Diorang tak berlaku baik pada diri diorang, so please help them to stop the madness. Yes, no matter how many times you help people, some of them will never appreciate your effort, and that's okay cuz that's life, you cannot force people to appreciate your effort.

Cheers,

A.

P/s: abaikan statement dlm previous post aku, benda ni tetiba popped out in my mind so i need to write it to ease my mind.