Continue Moving On / The Train of Your Decision

"I know that your future is bright. Please, believe in it." -Takahiro Moriuchi

Night

Nighttime is the great hours to think, to reflect things that you did, do you think so? My mind is a universe, filled with the vastness of thoughts. I can think a lot of things when I lay down on my bed. Sometimes the thoughts led me to certain conclusion, like I'm empty inside, I can't feel love anymore. It's true anyway, my conclusion was based on my own reflection of myself in the past.

Mind is one of the most dangerous things. Situations can change with a single spark of thought in your mind. Today you might think that you choose the best option to get the best result, who knows, the next day you might think otherwise. You might think that that option is not the best one.

Sometimes, I regret to have this kind of mind, a type that always thinking, a lot, and sometimes I wasted my time just to think about anything, mostly decision. Sometimes I forced myself to make decision without think about it just for the sake of not wasting time. I try not to think about the possible outcome of my decision.

I always wondering, what does if feel to have a normal mind, the one that not working 24 hours? How to have that kind of mind. I really envy those person who can think when they really need to. There was a desperate time when I really want to stop thinking for a while, because it always led my into depression. I even consider to take drugs that can suppress my non stop thinking. Sadly, most of the drugs are labeled under controlled drug, which mean I need to see psychiatrist. I did ask some question on how to make an appointment with psychiatrist, but no one knows.

I can conclude that too much thought can lead to sadness. Maybe that's why I can't be happy. Too much thought.

A

Empty

I just realized

I'm empty

I feel empty

I don't know how to love anymore

I trying so hard to get that feeling back

But I can't

I just can't

It feel like something leaving me

Emotionally

I don't know whether I can feel happy

or sad

or mad

It gone just like that

Without explanation

Emotionless

Emptiness

That's me

I can't describe myself

I can't express myself anymore

Love and emotion is fading away

And leave me empty

Become husk

Lifeless human being

I think

I need to RESET myself

<3 A

Thought

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most depressive human of all? Ali yeah, Ali.

Well, few days ago I'm kinda struck down by depression, thank God it just a lesser depression. Negativity control almost of my mind and heart that day. It all started when I remember about my past, the one that I supposed to forget completely, yet the memory come back to me and wreck havoc in my mind.

Some of my twitter friend ask me if I'm ok, so I answer their question honestly. Then they gave some advice such as "If you ever felt depressed, please find and talk to someone", I really appreciate their advice. Yeah, I agree the people who feel depressed should talk to someone in order to reduce the depression level. Well, for me, I just want people to notice me and say "hi there, are you ok?". I'm just tired of chasing people you know. I'm glad someone contacted me through whatsapp that day, you really made my day. Thank you.

Maybe I feel a lil bit lonely on that day, since I'm living alone in this house for 2 weeks after exam. I like to be alone, but too much loneliness can cause depression.

A.