To believe again

Sometimes believing in somethings might left you disappointed in future. I experienced it. It hurts. I slowly started to not to believe in things, even GOD. I slowly turned into a cynical person. Always second guess at everything. When shit are about to hit me, I let it be, like I don't even care anymore. I don't even care about anything.
I still admit that there is good in me, but I'm just tired. Tired of everything. This so called last semester might not be my last semester. Maybe experienced too much disappointment had left me crippled, mentally and emotionally. I missed being the old, younger me. Full of positive emotions. But now, I don't know who or what am I. I'm human obviously but what kind of human. Good or bad? I have no idea.

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You know what's the situation that really pissed me off? A fucking beggar who actually is not a real beggar but a beggar who can do shit and stuff just like me, but they are fucking too lazy to settle and solve their own shits.

You have a lot of times given by lecturer to solve your own job, your assignment, but instead you just whining there whining here because your laptop can't handle shit. Pathetic. Then you asked me for help, and obviously I help your sorry ass, you copied everything that I did, everything that I solved, I spent my bloody time try to solve that assignment. What a fucker. You know how much I hate people who just copy other people's work, especially those who pass the subject, while the other who do their work by figuring it out all by themself, fail? I experienced that shitty moment last semester. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE MORE THAN I HATE NAJIB HIMSELF.

I don't have anything to say anymore. If I get zero for my assignment, I'll fucking kill you.

Letih

Aku letih sangat.

Fed up.

Rasa macam takde guna je aku terus hidup kat dunia ni.

Aku rasa nak bunuh diri.

Aku rasa nak bunuh orang.

Aku rasa nak pecahkan kepala ni, hoping for my memories to fade away.

I tired of stay strong.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to end my pain.

I just want for my brain to stop thinking unnecessary things.

Habiskan 3, 4 kotak rokok pun aku takkan tenang.

Apa tah lagi kalau aku sembahyang, makin kacau jiwa aku.

I just a useless piece of shit.

Who can't do anything to support himself.

Fuck.

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I can't sleep, sooooooooo lets rambling on this post....

Being honest

After watching this anime, I felt like.... I've done the wrong things about 'jaga hati manusia sekeliling'. Yeah, words sometimes hurts people, but lying just nak jaga hati orang, tu lagi salah. Because you telling a wrong fact to someone and it might cause some trouble for them in future. FUCK ME RIGHT! I ALWAYS DO THIS! Tipu so that org tu tak terasa konon, padahal aku simpan apa yang aku rasa, the truth, then semua benda melimpah keluar dari botol sebab banyak sangat benda yg tersimpan sampai botol tak muat, last2 pecah. Lagi2 masa tu aku tak terfikir side effect kat org yang aku dah tipu.

Yeah, sometimes it hurts when hearing the truth, but are you willing to suffer later because of lies that someone tells to you in order to avoid hurting your feeling? No, right? But in reality people kept do this things because they sick of watching people react to the truth. Most of them can't face the truth, then they kept bitching around about it.

So, from now on, I'm just going to be honest, not that brutal honest, cause it can brutally hurts people lol.

finally the bottle cracked and shattered

Have you ever bottle all those feeling of sadness, regret, disappointment, guilt, and everything that related to emotional wrecking feelings? I usually do that whenever people make me sad, used me for their own good, bullied me, laugh at my appearance, etc. The lists are endless. That's me, I bottle things up, I don't let myself to show that negative emotions. I just show the positive emotions, the happy me. I started to bottled my feelings since highschool. Then, in my third year of studying in UNIMAS, the bottle cracked a little bit, then finally it shattered because of that particular song. The interesting part is the song is not a sad song, what makes me crying is the meaning of the songs. I said to myself "After all these years of enduring, now you finally cry." I think a lot at that time when I was traveling back to my hometown. The songs is about a person who felt that he is a useless person, the one who always giving hard time to everyone. But at the same time, he try to improve himself, so he try to distance himself from his family and friends, so that he can learn how to be useful to himself first. Then year pass by and he met his friends. "how are you doing" he said to them. He's a changed man. He thanked his friend for always supporting him when he was a useless person. And that makes me cry. I felt like the songs is dedicated to me. The one who always disappointing his parent, gave a lot of hard time to them. But compare to the guy in the songs, I didn't try to improve myself to be a better person. I cried a lot at that time "what a disappointment you are" I said to myself.

Would I be able to call that happiness from the bottom of my heart?

When I'm trying to reminiscing event from the past, I felt like something important is missing. I can't feel the emotion when I touched certain memories from the past. It felts empty, emotionless. But I noticed that I'm more focused on facts from the past. Am I become more cynical? It felts really wrong. It felts like I'm not a human being at all, after all human being has emotion. Am I a heartless person?

Damn this thing is really ticking me off.

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Tbh with u all, aku tak pernah rasa diri aku ni baik. Org kata aku ni baik or a good person or whatever you wanna call because i did the right things that generate that good impression within their heart. Aku buat benda tu selagi benda tu betul, kalau org mintak tolong, aku tolong takat yang aku mampu. Org mintak nasihat, aku bagi based on my past experiences. Semua org boleh buat apa yg aku buat. And if that's the case, then semua org baik la kan. Satu benda je yg korang tak tau pasal aku, aku tak pernah nak buat baik pada diri aku sendiri. Aku selalu buat benda bodoh. Selalu buat diri ni mcm useless. Tak pernah nak jaga baik2 hati diri sendiri. Makan pun tak betul. Some people might say that you just being yourself, but the question is, are you? Food for thought, adakah melukakan diri sendiri secara fizikal mahupun mental dianggap sebagai "being yourself"? My answer: No. Kalau diorang buat apa yg aku dah stated previously, then they are in big trouble. Either diorang depressed or psycho or whatever you wanna label it, those people need support. Diorang tak berlaku baik pada diri diorang, so please help them to stop the madness. Yes, no matter how many times you help people, some of them will never appreciate your effort, and that's okay cuz that's life, you cannot force people to appreciate your effort.

Cheers,

A.

P/s: abaikan statement dlm previous post aku, benda ni tetiba popped out in my mind so i need to write it to ease my mind.

2015 Ups & Downs

This is going to be my last post in 2015, well duuuuuuuhhhh.

Yeah, 2015 by far is the worst year in my life. It is a rough year for me, facing depression all alone, without anyone's help. Throughout 2015, I manage to live my life properly even though I'm facing depression state. I manage to improve my academic performance. I manage to resist the urge of committing suicide.

Things are getting better now, but I'm still having some trouble to control my anxiety. Imagine that you have to avoid some things that can trigger anxiety attack, ANY THINGS include your favorite songs for your favorite band. I haven't listen to any songs from my favorite band almost a year now since it can trigger my anxiety attack. I also avoiding meeting certain people, visiting some places, eating foods, etc etc etc. I don't care about your opinion on how I handle my depression, everyone has their own way to fix themselves from their mental illness. So please keep your opinion to yourself. Don't get me wrong if I'm ignoring you since some of you're the source of my anxiety, my depression, or maybe you just annoyed me too much. I'm trying to protect myself from succumbing into depression state again. Please try understand me, or at least respect my decision. I don't care if it takes forever for me to recover, even if there's no chance for me to fully recover, I don't mind as long as I'm making some progress. Final start today, 9AM in the morning and I don't need any distraction that can ruin my study and revision.

On the bright side of my life, I'm making new friends. I learned many new things. My academic performance is improving. Hell yeah I scored the highest mark for certain assignment and project, which kinda like lifetime achievement since I rarely score highest mark on assignment and project. I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I read many books, AWESOME BOOKS!

So, 2016 is approaching, and I need to set some GOALS:

1. Read more books!

2. Write one story.

3. Avoid attachment to ungrateful sons/daughters of bitches.

4. Improve my academic performance.

5. Find a part time job (if possible).

So yeah, it is a goal, not a resolution. A GOAL, A TASK. THAT I NEED TO FULFILL.

So, Ali, do your best. Even if you facing the world all alone, I know you can achieve more than you dream of. Please don't give a damn about what people told behind your back. Just take care of your own personal life from now on. If someone hate you, someone despise you, someone think that you're a pain in the ass for them, that's their problem, not your's. If they care enough for you, they won't do those shitty things to you.

Cheers

A.

Stone-Hearted

There are 2 things that drives me to write in this blog. First, I write when I bored and having too much thoughts in mind. Second, I write when I'm sad, or in bad mood, or stressed, or depressed.

Today, I write because of the second reason.