Toshi and Hiba.

When I'm depressed, I noticed one thing.

There are 2 entities that exist inside my mind. The good one, and the bad one.



I name the good one Toshi, while Hiba for the bad one.

Now I'm going to tell you all how my mind work when I'm depressed. I'm not gonna lie to you, it happen to me, recently.

When I'm on depression state, this Hiba, the nuisance one, love to say something that makes me sad, or mad, or confuse, in other word, negative things that lead to negative feeling. Mostly happen when I woke up from sleep, usually 4AM camtu, and this guy started said "How does it feel when someone important leave you?", or "Nobodies want you.", or "You're going to be alone forever.". Dia petik je one of the sentence, annnnndddd I started overthinking, annnnnnnnd endless crying, annnnnnnnd I can't close my eye and sleep as usual. This one love to tease me. haha.

On the other hand, kerja Toshi pulak, dia bagi kata2 semangat such as "Kalau dia dah suka tu, terima aje lah, jangan paksa diri ingat benda2 tu lagi.", or "Kalau takde orang suka awak apa susah, mintak doa dari Maha Esa, confirm dapat punya, mana tau kan, Mak Abah tengah cari jodoh yg sesuai kat kpg." or "You're not going to be alone forever bro. Trust yourself, ikut pesan mak ko, be good to others, someday in future awak jumpa orang yang terbaik untuk kau, have faith.". This guy always try to confort me almost everyday. Andddddd the cycle repeated on, and on, and on.

Do I need psychiatrist? I did some online depression test, semua bagi result 'severe depression'. Macam serius. MACAM. I dunno la, some say depression ni takleh dibiar camtu je, some say you cannot cure depression alone. Ikut pengalaman aku lah, kalau nak elak dari fikir2 camtu, always busykan diri dengan mana2 kerja la, main game ke, baca buku ke, lipat kain, basuh baju, cuci rumah tu semua. haha. It work la, a lilbit. Bila nak tido je, I dunno la, Hiba ni muncul tiba2, and start to say something negative. Letih kot Toshi.

Right now, aku rasa aku ni dah macam orang gila, talking to myself.

Mental illness kot.

P/s: Kan aku dah cakap, aku ni kuat sembang, kata previous post tu last post HAHAHAHAHAHA.

-END-