My 100th post

Yay.

Okay, since I can't sleep because of I don't know why, I decided to publish my 100th post.

Yay again.

So this 9am I'm having my first intercession examination. So far it went well, having no trouble finishing my assignment and so on. I just worried about my examination since it is my weakest part of my studies here in UNIMAS. It is rare to see me perform well during examination, and I'm quite sure that I'll perform badly during this upcoming exam. I'm not the same person who can score a full 100% mark in my examination. Well, I just do my best anyway.

Cheers,

A.

99

I really need guidance. I just don't know where to start. Am I crazy? Is my appearance look disgusting? Am I evil? Why do people hate me? Am I a good friend to you? Are you consider me as your good friend? How so?

I'm getting worst day by day, trying so hard not to feel the loneliness that surround me. I just can't wait to start new semester and meet people in my faculty. I guess I'll never get better when I'm alone. I rarely talk verbally, and I'm afraid that one day I lose my ability to talk.

If you're curious about something, then you should ask questions about it right? Until now, no one ever try to enlighten me, everytime I ask a few question, they left me unsatisfied by not answering the question. They avoid the question, they giving a false answer, a lie. They even don't let me understand them.

What good does the ability to remember things do when it bring pains to you? How to lose memory? How to gain amnesia? The easier way is to drink alcoholic drink, or take specific drug such as xanax. The hard way? Hit your head hard until you having concussion, until you loss sense of yourself.

I don't know why people always come to me for help or advice when I can't even help myself to improve my situation. I don't deserved to have 'good person' title on me. I am the worst person on Earth. I'm a bad person, always try to find a way to commit suicide. I can't even control my addiction.

I just don't know what to do with my life. Yeah I know, by reading this, you know that I love to complicate simple things. It sucks, to have this complicated thoughts. I just don't want to remember any bad memory. That's all I need now.

Can I deal my problem alone? Can I?

A.

Thoughty thought

RAMBLING TIME!!!! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Why? Because I can't sleep. Typical me.

Okay, so I have one addiction, i started do this thing since form 3 i guess. It's kinda hard to throw away this addiction. As if it is part of my life now. And I hate it because it affect my body you know. I wanted to stop doing it since matriculation but I can't. The addiction is too strong maybe. Tbh when I still with her in the past, the addiction seems to fade away. I still do it but I didn't do it often. But after the breakup, it getting worst, out of my control. Now I desperately to stop this addiction but I can't find the way. Maybe it's too late? I'm not sure.

Short sem almost over, and I decide to stay here instead of going back to Dalat. Maybe I just need some times alone, to clear my mind from those mess I've create. Tbh, you occupied 70% of my mind right now, and I need to unload it from my mind, my memory. Whenever I think of you I feel pain, as if my heart being poke by sharp knife. I wish my emotion strip from me. I don't need any emotion. Having emotion just bring me pain.

And now, I started to like another girl, but I'm afraid to tell her of my feeling towards her. I'm not propose her to be my girlfriend or anything that has similarities. I just want to be her friend and maybe when the right time comes, I'll propose her to be my wife. I had enough of relationship that has no valid ties, it always temporary, no matter what kind of promises you've made, it will be broken someday. I hate myself for taking that route, it just waste my time. I really hoping that I have amnesia, and start new life.

A.

I'm never gonna make it

That feeling when you have the thought of not going to live long, yeah, scary and disappointing.
Well, I just wanna share my thought since I can't sleep, well, I'm having a thought about whether people around me understand me or not. I just have this feeling that no one will ever understand me eventhought I already explain about something or anything to them.

I ended up kept all things to myself and rarely talk to people around me, my close friend and my family. Whenever they ask questions, I answer it as simple and short as possible, because I hate explaining something that people don't understand. "Yes", "no", "okay", that's my common answer.

The worst part, I have the feeling that I'll will have a shorter lifespan than other normal people out there, with my current lifestyle, not eating meals properly, having migraine almosy everyday and so on. Maybe cancer cell in my body has awaken. I know "awaken" sound absurd, but you all should know this, every single human on planet Earth has cancer cell in their body, waiting for a moment of awakening and wreck havoc toward every part of your body.

Well, the simple answer? We just have to wait and see.

A.

Stargazing

Hi,

So right now I'm in the bus, travelling back to my hometown. I always travel at night. Why? Because less traffic, and less traffic leads to safer road, low probability of getting into accident. Another reason why I choose to travel at night is to stargaze the sky.

I love to stargaze since I was a child. Nowadays it is hard for me to stargaze because of light pollution from the street light, household light an so on.

When I travel during nighttime, there are no light pollution, the surrounding is almost completely dark, and I can see clearly the star shine in the sky, I can see the galaxy belt @ galaxy tentacle @ whatever it is. Right now I gazing through bus window.

The sky are so beautiful. No clouds at all. The night sky reminds me that no matter how dark your life right now, you can still find the light even if the light is dim. No matter how hard your life right now, don't ever lose hope.

Cheers,

A.

Thought of a guy who eat Nasi Ayam Percik.

Hai, and Salam Ramadhan Kareem Benzema.

Dad

Hai,

So, for today post, it's kinda emotional a lil bit, so if you want to read it, click seguente, it's up to you.

Thought of an insomnia dude

Having some heartache because of 'thing' that happened a few hours ago plus I can't sleep, so I decided to post something in my "gloomy takdak style" blog.
So I wanna ask to you, yea you. What is 'Promise'? Do promises really meant to be broken? Is promise a new type of excuse?

Sometimes I hate people that make promises that they can't keep, those people are liar, they consider promise as a deception method to get their things done. I'm quite impressed to someone who manage to fulfill their promises and for that you have my respect. Why? Because your kind are hard to find nowadays, just as similar as the legendary pokemon. Well if you don't treat them well, they might die, if you know what I mean.

And yeah I know that sometimes we need to break our promises because of certain circumstances and I can't blame them for breaking their promises, but at least try to come up with something rather than nothing. Because you guys, yeah the one who make promises, are giving us hope, a hope that someday you'll fulfill your promises toward us. But you all did differently, giving us hope with your promises, then left us hanging, waiting, and wondering. In my case, I started to stop hoping for something, let it be, almost everything, I know that I'm going to fail my first examination paper, and I don't do anything about it. I stop hoping that I can turn the tide and pass the paper. I just let it fail. Hope is the most powerful thing that can drive people to excel in anything that they pursue. The things that can destroy hope are empty promises.

I don't know whether I'm blinded by those broken promises I hold or what, but don't left us hanging and wondering, try to explain why can't you fulfill you promise.

FYI, I really hate people who make empty promises. I HATE YOU.

A.

I miss you

To be honest, I miss you. Yeah I want to meet you but I lost your phone number, phone problem, and I have to factory reset it. Maybe you wonder why I didn't contact you. Heh. Part of me said "go and meet you", the other part of me said "no". Well I'm still having this heartache when I watch your face. I tried so hard not to remember your face, so I don't have to feel the heartache.

Crashed

Yesterday you flew higher, but today, you've been shot down and brought down to Earth.