I'm never gonna make it

That feeling when you have the thought of not going to live long, yeah, scary and disappointing.
Well, I just wanna share my thought since I can't sleep, well, I'm having a thought about whether people around me understand me or not. I just have this feeling that no one will ever understand me eventhought I already explain about something or anything to them.

I ended up kept all things to myself and rarely talk to people around me, my close friend and my family. Whenever they ask questions, I answer it as simple and short as possible, because I hate explaining something that people don't understand. "Yes", "no", "okay", that's my common answer.

The worst part, I have the feeling that I'll will have a shorter lifespan than other normal people out there, with my current lifestyle, not eating meals properly, having migraine almosy everyday and so on. Maybe cancer cell in my body has awaken. I know "awaken" sound absurd, but you all should know this, every single human on planet Earth has cancer cell in their body, waiting for a moment of awakening and wreck havoc toward every part of your body.

Well, the simple answer? We just have to wait and see.

A.

Stargazing

Hi,

So right now I'm in the bus, travelling back to my hometown. I always travel at night. Why? Because less traffic, and less traffic leads to safer road, low probability of getting into accident. Another reason why I choose to travel at night is to stargaze the sky.

I love to stargaze since I was a child. Nowadays it is hard for me to stargaze because of light pollution from the street light, household light an so on.

When I travel during nighttime, there are no light pollution, the surrounding is almost completely dark, and I can see clearly the star shine in the sky, I can see the galaxy belt @ galaxy tentacle @ whatever it is. Right now I gazing through bus window.

The sky are so beautiful. No clouds at all. The night sky reminds me that no matter how dark your life right now, you can still find the light even if the light is dim. No matter how hard your life right now, don't ever lose hope.

Cheers,

A.

Thought of a guy who eat Nasi Ayam Percik.

Hai, and Salam Ramadhan Kareem Benzema.

Dad

Hai,

So, for today post, it's kinda emotional a lil bit, so if you want to read it, click seguente, it's up to you.

Thought of an insomnia dude

Having some heartache because of 'thing' that happened a few hours ago plus I can't sleep, so I decided to post something in my "gloomy takdak style" blog.
So I wanna ask to you, yea you. What is 'Promise'? Do promises really meant to be broken? Is promise a new type of excuse?

Sometimes I hate people that make promises that they can't keep, those people are liar, they consider promise as a deception method to get their things done. I'm quite impressed to someone who manage to fulfill their promises and for that you have my respect. Why? Because your kind are hard to find nowadays, just as similar as the legendary pokemon. Well if you don't treat them well, they might die, if you know what I mean.

And yeah I know that sometimes we need to break our promises because of certain circumstances and I can't blame them for breaking their promises, but at least try to come up with something rather than nothing. Because you guys, yeah the one who make promises, are giving us hope, a hope that someday you'll fulfill your promises toward us. But you all did differently, giving us hope with your promises, then left us hanging, waiting, and wondering. In my case, I started to stop hoping for something, let it be, almost everything, I know that I'm going to fail my first examination paper, and I don't do anything about it. I stop hoping that I can turn the tide and pass the paper. I just let it fail. Hope is the most powerful thing that can drive people to excel in anything that they pursue. The things that can destroy hope are empty promises.

I don't know whether I'm blinded by those broken promises I hold or what, but don't left us hanging and wondering, try to explain why can't you fulfill you promise.

FYI, I really hate people who make empty promises. I HATE YOU.

A.

I miss you

To be honest, I miss you. Yeah I want to meet you but I lost your phone number, phone problem, and I have to factory reset it. Maybe you wonder why I didn't contact you. Heh. Part of me said "go and meet you", the other part of me said "no". Well I'm still having this heartache when I watch your face. I tried so hard not to remember your face, so I don't have to feel the heartache.

Crashed

Yesterday you flew higher, but today, you've been shot down and brought down to Earth.

Identity

I can't understand myself any longer.

Trap and stuck

Suicide still lingering in my mind, like an old ghost hunting me, silently. It hold me tightly, never have the intention to let me go.

Lately, whenever I crossed the road, I didn't care about the condition of traffic, I crossed, and if I'm lucky, I reached the other side of the road. And if I'm not lucky, a vehicle hit me, and I'll probably dead on the spot. Everytime I crossed the road, I was hoping for a vehicle to hit me. So far, luck is on my side.

But, at the same time, I want to continue living my life. I want to reach the future where I living my life happily, without any fear, doubt, and sadness controlling me. I want to see my family happy, I want to have children, a lot of 'em.

So far, I wasted my live on assholes, a LOT of 'em. Yeah, they gave me useful experience on how asshole live their live, and for that, I am grateful. But still, they're asshole, who wasted my time, my energy, my lifespan alot. And because of you, you, and you, yeah, ESPECIALLY YOU, I need to rebuild my whole life back again.

Now you know why I always alone, because I don't trust human anymore. Why? Because of them I live my life in depression, and because of depression I have this suicide thought. I've been hit by depression for two times, and the second one by far the worst in my life.

Can I live happily in future? Without depression haunting me? Can I?

I am trap in between. The future and the present. The future seems promising, but I'm experience a gloomy life during the present.

A.

Faces

It's odd when people that I barely know a.k.a acquaintance remember my face. MasyaAllah! I don't even remember neither their face nor their name. I have a bad memory, I can't remember face of a person that I rarely meet. Even their name.

I meet a girl today, and we haven't meet each other since the 1st year of my study at UNIMAS. Her name is Pamela, a good friend to my ex neighbor at matriculation, Faris Ambas. She is friendly, talkative person yeah. I guess she is an outgoing person. I thought she is a chinese hahahaha. She is Iban.

Well, I'm glad that someone still remember me after haven't meet for 2-3 years.

Cheers.

Love, A.