Identity

I can't understand myself any longer.

Too much thought and I ended up wondering about my existence, my life purpose, my identity. I think I need pills to suppress my overthinking thought.

I'm lost, I don't recognize myself anymore. Am I living just to repeat the same things every day? Wake up early, go to class, eat, go home, having shower, sleep and repeat.

I don't know why, I don't find any peace in prayers. I perform as much as I could, but I can't reach peaceful mind. Right now I keep thinking, and continue nonstop, until i fell asleep because of exhaustion.

It affect my academic performance, i can't concentrate on study, I can't stay calm during presentation. And most of time my mind goes blank and that really affect my examination performance. Do I need pills? Happy pills? Antidepressants?

Nobody will understand what I'm going through in my life, no matter how much I explain to them, they won't understand, "you'll get better", "contact me if you need someone to talk to", and all those kind of bullshit they told me, it won't and will never help me to relieve my depression.

I want to be okay right away, because I want to concentrate on doing something that can change my life better. Depression just give more problem, and it will take times to fully heal from depression.

No, I won't contact you if you said "contact me if you need someone to talk to", why? Whenever I try to reach you, you will and always busy. Can I talk to you when you're busy? No right. Giving me hope, you just crush that hope again. I'm tired with that kind of shit you throw at me.

Yeah, I am Negative Guy, I have this negative vibes around me, I always talk about something negative and shit. So you decided to create a distance from me. Yeah me being negative won't help people around me. So throw me away. Throw me like a garbage and never pick me up again.

I felt betrayed, I put my trust on unworthy person, they use my trust, lied to me, used me. Do you think I could trust human again? Yeah, maybe this is just a small problem for you, but for me, this is my source of depression.

Everyday I want to commit suicide, I think of it everyday. I'm too lost right now. It is my thought who ask me to kill myself, but the one who always prevent me to do so is my heart. My heart said "don't do it, you'll regret it".  My logic trying to kill me while my feelings try to prevent it.

Too much, how much is too much? Is hatred born from love?

A.