Trap and stuck

Suicide still lingering in my mind, like an old ghost hunting me, silently. It hold me tightly, never have the intention to let me go.

Lately, whenever I crossed the road, I didn't care about the condition of traffic, I crossed, and if I'm lucky, I reached the other side of the road. And if I'm not lucky, a vehicle hit me, and I'll probably dead on the spot. Everytime I crossed the road, I was hoping for a vehicle to hit me. So far, luck is on my side.

But, at the same time, I want to continue living my life. I want to reach the future where I living my life happily, without any fear, doubt, and sadness controlling me. I want to see my family happy, I want to have children, a lot of 'em.

So far, I wasted my live on assholes, a LOT of 'em. Yeah, they gave me useful experience on how asshole live their live, and for that, I am grateful. But still, they're asshole, who wasted my time, my energy, my lifespan alot. And because of you, you, and you, yeah, ESPECIALLY YOU, I need to rebuild my whole life back again.

Now you know why I always alone, because I don't trust human anymore. Why? Because of them I live my life in depression, and because of depression I have this suicide thought. I've been hit by depression for two times, and the second one by far the worst in my life.

Can I live happily in future? Without depression haunting me? Can I?

I am trap in between. The future and the present. The future seems promising, but I'm experience a gloomy life during the present.

A.