become one

it has been a while, like 1 year ago. Installed blog apps on smartphone, cuz i need to write something, else I'll forgot and the thought might gone forever. so i just read about depression, got it from a link posted on facebook, and surprisingly, the contents in that site kinda true.

I can only talk about depression through my perspective. About 3 years ago, I succumb to depression, it was a hard time, everytime i went out of the house, i forced myself to switch into a persona, a kind of happy go lucky that i usually show to other people, but when i went back into my room, my personal space, i become myself again, the one who succumb into depression. sometimes i cried, hurt myself, you name it. that was a tough time. that suicide thought always pop in my mind, cuz i can't handle the mental pain. why don't you ask for help from other people you asked? simple, cuz i don't want to burden them with my problem, and with that kind of mentality, i started to do things on my own, and reaching someone for help is my last resort when facing problems. 3 years ago, i just thought depression is a mental type of pain, it hurts you mentally, and all can i say is that 3 years ago, that dark entity known as depression was trying to consumed me, conquering my mind, and in that process hurting me.

3 years later, I'm still thinking about suicide and depressive stuff. but it feel weird, because whenever I thinking about it, I don't feel pain, mentally speaking. surprisingly, i feel content about it. also, 3 years of putting that happy-go-lucky persona just makes me unable to find myself, in fact, right now I'm in the stage of finding which one is the real me. i feel lost, unable to find a way to move on, as if time has stop. thinking about suicide just makes me feel empty, i feel nothing. as if depression has became part of me now, part of my identity that no one knew.

And about people that spreading awareness about mental, im just having a thought that no matter how willing you to help people in depression, there will be one day that you just fed up with people who experiencing depression. that is one of my reason to not getting help from people. if you guys offended with my statement above, im sorry, but i don't give a sheet anyway. just my 2 cents. who know you guy might change my perspective in future endeavours. detecting people who having a heavy depression are hard. cuz they are the master of hiding their pain and suffering.

thats all.

First post in 2017...... welp

I don't want to get married, thank you and have a nice day.

To believe again

Sometimes believing in somethings might left you disappointed in future. I experienced it. It hurts. I slowly started to not to believe in things, even GOD. I slowly turned into a cynical person. Always second guess at everything. When shit are about to hit me, I let it be, like I don't even care anymore. I don't even care about anything.
I still admit that there is good in me, but I'm just tired. Tired of everything. This so called last semester might not be my last semester. Maybe experienced too much disappointment had left me crippled, mentally and emotionally. I missed being the old, younger me. Full of positive emotions. But now, I don't know who or what am I. I'm human obviously but what kind of human. Good or bad? I have no idea.

QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM

You know what's the situation that really pissed me off? A fucking beggar who actually is not a real beggar but a beggar who can do shit and stuff just like me, but they are fucking too lazy to settle and solve their own shits.

You have a lot of times given by lecturer to solve your own job, your assignment, but instead you just whining there whining here because your laptop can't handle shit. Pathetic. Then you asked me for help, and obviously I help your sorry ass, you copied everything that I did, everything that I solved, I spent my bloody time try to solve that assignment. What a fucker. You know how much I hate people who just copy other people's work, especially those who pass the subject, while the other who do their work by figuring it out all by themself, fail? I experienced that shitty moment last semester. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE MORE THAN I HATE NAJIB HIMSELF.

I don't have anything to say anymore. If I get zero for my assignment, I'll fucking kill you.

Letih

Aku letih sangat.

Fed up.

Rasa macam takde guna je aku terus hidup kat dunia ni.

Aku rasa nak bunuh diri.

Aku rasa nak bunuh orang.

Aku rasa nak pecahkan kepala ni, hoping for my memories to fade away.

I tired of stay strong.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I just want to end my pain.

I just want for my brain to stop thinking unnecessary things.

Habiskan 3, 4 kotak rokok pun aku takkan tenang.

Apa tah lagi kalau aku sembahyang, makin kacau jiwa aku.

I just a useless piece of shit.

Who can't do anything to support himself.

Fuck.

untitled

I can't sleep, sooooooooo lets rambling on this post....

Being honest

After watching this anime, I felt like.... I've done the wrong things about 'jaga hati manusia sekeliling'. Yeah, words sometimes hurts people, but lying just nak jaga hati orang, tu lagi salah. Because you telling a wrong fact to someone and it might cause some trouble for them in future. FUCK ME RIGHT! I ALWAYS DO THIS! Tipu so that org tu tak terasa konon, padahal aku simpan apa yang aku rasa, the truth, then semua benda melimpah keluar dari botol sebab banyak sangat benda yg tersimpan sampai botol tak muat, last2 pecah. Lagi2 masa tu aku tak terfikir side effect kat org yang aku dah tipu.

Yeah, sometimes it hurts when hearing the truth, but are you willing to suffer later because of lies that someone tells to you in order to avoid hurting your feeling? No, right? But in reality people kept do this things because they sick of watching people react to the truth. Most of them can't face the truth, then they kept bitching around about it.

So, from now on, I'm just going to be honest, not that brutal honest, cause it can brutally hurts people lol.

finally the bottle cracked and shattered

Have you ever bottle all those feeling of sadness, regret, disappointment, guilt, and everything that related to emotional wrecking feelings? I usually do that whenever people make me sad, used me for their own good, bullied me, laugh at my appearance, etc. The lists are endless. That's me, I bottle things up, I don't let myself to show that negative emotions. I just show the positive emotions, the happy me. I started to bottled my feelings since highschool. Then, in my third year of studying in UNIMAS, the bottle cracked a little bit, then finally it shattered because of that particular song. The interesting part is the song is not a sad song, what makes me crying is the meaning of the songs. I said to myself "After all these years of enduring, now you finally cry." I think a lot at that time when I was traveling back to my hometown. The songs is about a person who felt that he is a useless person, the one who always giving hard time to everyone. But at the same time, he try to improve himself, so he try to distance himself from his family and friends, so that he can learn how to be useful to himself first. Then year pass by and he met his friends. "how are you doing" he said to them. He's a changed man. He thanked his friend for always supporting him when he was a useless person. And that makes me cry. I felt like the songs is dedicated to me. The one who always disappointing his parent, gave a lot of hard time to them. But compare to the guy in the songs, I didn't try to improve myself to be a better person. I cried a lot at that time "what a disappointment you are" I said to myself.

Would I be able to call that happiness from the bottom of my heart?

When I'm trying to reminiscing event from the past, I felt like something important is missing. I can't feel the emotion when I touched certain memories from the past. It felts empty, emotionless. But I noticed that I'm more focused on facts from the past. Am I become more cynical? It felts really wrong. It felts like I'm not a human being at all, after all human being has emotion. Am I a heartless person?

Damn this thing is really ticking me off.

Untitled

Tbh with u all, aku tak pernah rasa diri aku ni baik. Org kata aku ni baik or a good person or whatever you wanna call because i did the right things that generate that good impression within their heart. Aku buat benda tu selagi benda tu betul, kalau org mintak tolong, aku tolong takat yang aku mampu. Org mintak nasihat, aku bagi based on my past experiences. Semua org boleh buat apa yg aku buat. And if that's the case, then semua org baik la kan. Satu benda je yg korang tak tau pasal aku, aku tak pernah nak buat baik pada diri aku sendiri. Aku selalu buat benda bodoh. Selalu buat diri ni mcm useless. Tak pernah nak jaga baik2 hati diri sendiri. Makan pun tak betul. Some people might say that you just being yourself, but the question is, are you? Food for thought, adakah melukakan diri sendiri secara fizikal mahupun mental dianggap sebagai "being yourself"? My answer: No. Kalau diorang buat apa yg aku dah stated previously, then they are in big trouble. Either diorang depressed or psycho or whatever you wanna label it, those people need support. Diorang tak berlaku baik pada diri diorang, so please help them to stop the madness. Yes, no matter how many times you help people, some of them will never appreciate your effort, and that's okay cuz that's life, you cannot force people to appreciate your effort.

Cheers,

A.

P/s: abaikan statement dlm previous post aku, benda ni tetiba popped out in my mind so i need to write it to ease my mind.

2015 Ups & Downs

This is going to be my last post in 2015, well duuuuuuuhhhh.

Yeah, 2015 by far is the worst year in my life. It is a rough year for me, facing depression all alone, without anyone's help. Throughout 2015, I manage to live my life properly even though I'm facing depression state. I manage to improve my academic performance. I manage to resist the urge of committing suicide.

Things are getting better now, but I'm still having some trouble to control my anxiety. Imagine that you have to avoid some things that can trigger anxiety attack, ANY THINGS include your favorite songs for your favorite band. I haven't listen to any songs from my favorite band almost a year now since it can trigger my anxiety attack. I also avoiding meeting certain people, visiting some places, eating foods, etc etc etc. I don't care about your opinion on how I handle my depression, everyone has their own way to fix themselves from their mental illness. So please keep your opinion to yourself. Don't get me wrong if I'm ignoring you since some of you're the source of my anxiety, my depression, or maybe you just annoyed me too much. I'm trying to protect myself from succumbing into depression state again. Please try understand me, or at least respect my decision. I don't care if it takes forever for me to recover, even if there's no chance for me to fully recover, I don't mind as long as I'm making some progress. Final start today, 9AM in the morning and I don't need any distraction that can ruin my study and revision.

On the bright side of my life, I'm making new friends. I learned many new things. My academic performance is improving. Hell yeah I scored the highest mark for certain assignment and project, which kinda like lifetime achievement since I rarely score highest mark on assignment and project. I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I read many books, AWESOME BOOKS!

So, 2016 is approaching, and I need to set some GOALS:

1. Read more books!

2. Write one story.

3. Avoid attachment to ungrateful sons/daughters of bitches.

4. Improve my academic performance.

5. Find a part time job (if possible).

So yeah, it is a goal, not a resolution. A GOAL, A TASK. THAT I NEED TO FULFILL.

So, Ali, do your best. Even if you facing the world all alone, I know you can achieve more than you dream of. Please don't give a damn about what people told behind your back. Just take care of your own personal life from now on. If someone hate you, someone despise you, someone think that you're a pain in the ass for them, that's their problem, not your's. If they care enough for you, they won't do those shitty things to you.

Cheers

A.

Stone-Hearted

There are 2 things that drives me to write in this blog. First, I write when I bored and having too much thoughts in mind. Second, I write when I'm sad, or in bad mood, or stressed, or depressed.

Today, I write because of the second reason. 

Thought: Honest session

Hi, it's been a while.

I haven't publish post for quite some times since I don't know what to share with you all (duh, as if someone open this blog and read the posts inside).

FYI, things getting better, or normal, or whatever it is. Life is always busy as usual....... *few weeks later* ........now where was I? Haha. I started to write about this during midterm break. I left it in the draft because I didn't feel like to continue writing it. So now I'll continue it anyway. I have so much things to do right now, but I feel lost, I don't know which one should i start first.

So much things revolved in my mind lately. I rarely talk to someone about my problem, my concern, etc etc etc. I just don't know who should I talk to, and if I found the person, I don't know which one should I tell. There's a time when felt like it is a completely useless to share your problem with someone because in the end, the problem never solved. Is it okay if I do things alone? By myself? Yes? No? I don't know. "You always the same" "you never change", I guess I always give someone some hard time. From that onwards, I distrust everyone. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't share my problem to anyone, even my best friends. People can't accept who I am. And I think it is better for me to be alone. The only one who can cheer me up is myself. The one who can comfort me during my bad day is myself. I've handle all the emotional damage by myself. I don't to be in love anymore.

Dear blog, I'm sorry to fill you with such negative and sad thinking. This is the only medium I have to release my sadness. And for that I'm very sorry.

Continue Moving On / The Train of Your Decision

"I know that your future is bright. Please, believe in it." -Takahiro Moriuchi

Night

Nighttime is the great hours to think, to reflect things that you did, do you think so? My mind is a universe, filled with the vastness of thoughts. I can think a lot of things when I lay down on my bed. Sometimes the thoughts led me to certain conclusion, like I'm empty inside, I can't feel love anymore. It's true anyway, my conclusion was based on my own reflection of myself in the past.

Mind is one of the most dangerous things. Situations can change with a single spark of thought in your mind. Today you might think that you choose the best option to get the best result, who knows, the next day you might think otherwise. You might think that that option is not the best one.

Sometimes, I regret to have this kind of mind, a type that always thinking, a lot, and sometimes I wasted my time just to think about anything, mostly decision. Sometimes I forced myself to make decision without think about it just for the sake of not wasting time. I try not to think about the possible outcome of my decision.

I always wondering, what does if feel to have a normal mind, the one that not working 24 hours? How to have that kind of mind. I really envy those person who can think when they really need to. There was a desperate time when I really want to stop thinking for a while, because it always led my into depression. I even consider to take drugs that can suppress my non stop thinking. Sadly, most of the drugs are labeled under controlled drug, which mean I need to see psychiatrist. I did ask some question on how to make an appointment with psychiatrist, but no one knows.

I can conclude that too much thought can lead to sadness. Maybe that's why I can't be happy. Too much thought.

A

Empty

I just realized

I'm empty

I feel empty

I don't know how to love anymore

I trying so hard to get that feeling back

But I can't

I just can't

It feel like something leaving me

Emotionally

I don't know whether I can feel happy

or sad

or mad

It gone just like that

Without explanation

Emotionless

Emptiness

That's me

I can't describe myself

I can't express myself anymore

Love and emotion is fading away

And leave me empty

Become husk

Lifeless human being

I think

I need to RESET myself

<3 A

Thought

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most depressive human of all? Ali yeah, Ali.

Well, few days ago I'm kinda struck down by depression, thank God it just a lesser depression. Negativity control almost of my mind and heart that day. It all started when I remember about my past, the one that I supposed to forget completely, yet the memory come back to me and wreck havoc in my mind.

Some of my twitter friend ask me if I'm ok, so I answer their question honestly. Then they gave some advice such as "If you ever felt depressed, please find and talk to someone", I really appreciate their advice. Yeah, I agree the people who feel depressed should talk to someone in order to reduce the depression level. Well, for me, I just want people to notice me and say "hi there, are you ok?". I'm just tired of chasing people you know. I'm glad someone contacted me through whatsapp that day, you really made my day. Thank you.

Maybe I feel a lil bit lonely on that day, since I'm living alone in this house for 2 weeks after exam. I like to be alone, but too much loneliness can cause depression.

A.

Karasu

Am I crying? Laughing? You people don't know even that
I embrace this loneliness, and the sadness turns my body pitch black
This wings will change from black to white one day
An angel outside, a demon lies within
You are the one...

In the early morning garbage dump
The black birds endure together to live
Picture us together instead of them
Then you will believe we're living in a sorrowful world

I tilt my head without changing expression on my face
In the depths of those black eyes, they have enemies on all sides

Am I crying? Laughing? You people don't know even that
I embrace this loneliness, and the sadness turn my body pitch black
One day, this wing will change from black to white
A demon inside, an angel outside
You are the ones who created this!

Looks like you looked down on me a little too much
I remember everything
Even today, from that telephone pole, I can see
The things you people did to me that day
In the name of revenge, I stand up by and for myself
The scenery you see from there is dirty isn't it?

The sword I was sharpening comes out now with no indication
I'll wound, and when I realize it, it'll be something that can't be undone
Why I was born into this era, facing such sadness?
Unable to control even myself, I'm just like a crow that's forgotten how to fly

Am I crying? Laughing? No one at all knows even that
I release this loneliness, and there's a whiteness that I must convey to someone
One day, this wings will become neither black or white
I'll become unable to see their shape, and then I'll create some new form again

Fear

What I afraid the most? Losing my precious treasure.

My mom.
My dad.
My sister.

They are my precious treasure.

For past few days, I've been living alone in this house. Didn't even try to engage physical communication except for virtual one. Day by day, the loneliness is getting stronger, you felt you wanted to talk to someone but you can't. The only way to control this loneliness is talk to anyone include strangers. Talk about some random topics, hoping to get their attention.

I've been accustomed to loneliness, being alone, doing things by myself without the help of anyone. I love to talk but at the same time I love to be alone. I remember when someone ask this question "What animal symbolize your personality?". My answer was bird. I love freedom, the feeling to do whatever I want without limitation. Bird has been associated with freedom in various way, politics , socials, religions and the list goes on.

A person like me cannot avoid the feeling of loneliness no matter how much you love to be alone rather than being with a company. Loneliness is the things that makes me sad everytime. Some people out there hates me. They hate the very existence of me. Maybe there are bad rumors about me. I don't know. I tend to avoid conflict so I try as much as I can to avoid having conversation with them, and any people associate with then. It's better to lose one person than to lose many right? So don't even bother to look for me when I decided to stay low and avoid any conversation with the likes of you.

I write when I felt sad, I write when I felt depressed. And that's what makes this blog alive, whenever I felt happy, I don't have anything to share with you guys. I don't know why.

What happened if I lose my most precious treasure? Will I be alone forever?

A.

My 100th post

Yay.

Okay, since I can't sleep because of I don't know why, I decided to publish my 100th post.

Yay again.

So this 9am I'm having my first intercession examination. So far it went well, having no trouble finishing my assignment and so on. I just worried about my examination since it is my weakest part of my studies here in UNIMAS. It is rare to see me perform well during examination, and I'm quite sure that I'll perform badly during this upcoming exam. I'm not the same person who can score a full 100% mark in my examination. Well, I just do my best anyway.

Cheers,

A.