bloody Hiba

I don't know whether someone open and read my post, one or two maybe. So you notice that i started to write again.

Yeah, you're right, I'm depressed. And this is the only way to express my depression, the only way to calm myself.

I'm in dilemma, whether should i become the person who does not giving any fuck about people, or be good and care for people. I'm struggling.

When I don't give a fuck about people, I felt great, but never felt right. Seriously, memang rasa bagus bila tak ambik kisah pasal masalah org, tapi benda tu mmg tak baik, tak betul. The only thing that you'll recieve in the end is isolation from your peers. People said "oh, ko ni slalu fikir hal2 negative, tu ni bla bla, better aku buang kau jauh2, takde guna cakap ngan org negative ni.". Ladies and gentlemen, that's what happened to me.

Bila aku buat keputusan nak jadi baik, buat baik ngan orang, tolong orang tu bagai, ada je manusia yg pijak kepala aku, tipu aku, mainkan perasaan aku, why? Maybe I looked weak to them. Orang baik ni selalu kena tipu lah. Sepanjang 22 tahun aku hidup kat dunia ni, aku kenal few people yg baik, mak, ayah, adik, and few friends yg aku boleh percaya, tu pun aku bagi a small pieces of my trust to that particular friends. Yang lain? penipu, pijak kepala, main perasaan, pembuli, pastu kata aku yg salah bla bla bla. Bila aku tanya apa salah aku, taknak explain pulak, bila aku tanya knp jauhkan diri dari aku, jugak taknak explain, kalau explain pun bukan ikhlas apa, alasan tipu helah semata mata.

I'm coping with this fucking depression alone, dalam bilik ni aku sorang je, takde kawan, takde teman, yang ada hanya Toshi ngan Hiba, Toshi makin lemah, Hiba makin kuat. Bila Toshi lemah, aku pun lemah, bila aku lemah, Hiba control pemikiran aku, perasaan aku.

I tried to reach out my friends but I can't, because I have little trust towards human  beings. Aku nak bela kucing pun tak boleh, org dlm rumah ni tak bagi. Aku nak cakap ngan sapa? dinding? And one of the reason why I don't reaching out my friends is they don't reaching me out. I'm tired reaching them, why? dua dua pihak busy, takde masa. What I really want right now is for you, you and you people to notice me. Tegur aku, convince me that I can trust people again, hold on to me when I'm at my lowest point. That's what I really need now. I know, permintaan aku mcm selfish. But that's the only way that can keep me away from being paralyzed by depression.