Connection

I'm currently reading 'Shoot the damn dog', a book written by Sally Brampton. It's a memoir about her depression.

Mostly semua perkara yg ada dlm buku tu betul, the way of depressive people think, things that they've gone through and so on. And I think, I found the cause, or the source of my depression.

The fear of lost connection with people. That's the source of my depression. It is not about break up at all. It's hard to explain actually, and it's complicated. It simply "I don't want to lost connection with people, important people.". I'm still trying to figure it out tho.

So, for almost a year, I have this strong connection toward this one person. During that period, I thought that she, yes, SHE, is the only one I needed in my life, which means, I don't need to create another strong connection with other human being. But still, I have connection between other human beings, but I did not take care of it, so the connection is getting weaker and weaker, day by day. Well, I thought it is going to be OK in future, and I was wrong about it.

After she cut her connection toward me, it was a disaster. I can't cope with the fact that we doesn't have that strong connection anymore. At the beginning, I try to talk to my friends about this but I can't. I just can't. If I knew about her problem from the beginning, maybe it will ended well, and we'll still contact each other, as a good friend, or just friend. Right now, I'm trying to built a strong connection toward my family and my friends, maybe it'll take forever, but I'll do my best.

Some people believe in this mantra: 'It is better to be alone' and believe that this is the only solution not to get hurt. They believe that anything that they love will be taken away in future. So they decided never to become too attached to anything. By doing this, they are unlikely to get hurt, emotionally. Well, the solution then becomes the problem. Human natural setting is to seek out other person, male seek female, and vice versa. Let say a married couple having a conversation, and one of them believe on that mantra. On the surface, that person want to have conversations and so on, but still remain withdrawn inside. Surely the marriage won't last long.

The truth is, 'it is easier to be alone, but it never feels right to be alone'. Honestly it never feels right. And I believe I'll be more happier if I connected to other people.

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