Untitled

Tbh with u all, aku tak pernah rasa diri aku ni baik. Org kata aku ni baik or a good person or whatever you wanna call because i did the right things that generate that good impression within their heart. Aku buat benda tu selagi benda tu betul, kalau org mintak tolong, aku tolong takat yang aku mampu. Org mintak nasihat, aku bagi based on my past experiences. Semua org boleh buat apa yg aku buat. And if that's the case, then semua org baik la kan. Satu benda je yg korang tak tau pasal aku, aku tak pernah nak buat baik pada diri aku sendiri. Aku selalu buat benda bodoh. Selalu buat diri ni mcm useless. Tak pernah nak jaga baik2 hati diri sendiri. Makan pun tak betul. Some people might say that you just being yourself, but the question is, are you? Food for thought, adakah melukakan diri sendiri secara fizikal mahupun mental dianggap sebagai "being yourself"? My answer: No. Kalau diorang buat apa yg aku dah stated previously, then they are in big trouble. Either diorang depressed or psycho or whatever you wanna label it, those people need support. Diorang tak berlaku baik pada diri diorang, so please help them to stop the madness. Yes, no matter how many times you help people, some of them will never appreciate your effort, and that's okay cuz that's life, you cannot force people to appreciate your effort.

Cheers,

A.

P/s: abaikan statement dlm previous post aku, benda ni tetiba popped out in my mind so i need to write it to ease my mind.

2015 Ups & Downs

This is going to be my last post in 2015, well duuuuuuuhhhh.

Yeah, 2015 by far is the worst year in my life. It is a rough year for me, facing depression all alone, without anyone's help. Throughout 2015, I manage to live my life properly even though I'm facing depression state. I manage to improve my academic performance. I manage to resist the urge of committing suicide.

Things are getting better now, but I'm still having some trouble to control my anxiety. Imagine that you have to avoid some things that can trigger anxiety attack, ANY THINGS include your favorite songs for your favorite band. I haven't listen to any songs from my favorite band almost a year now since it can trigger my anxiety attack. I also avoiding meeting certain people, visiting some places, eating foods, etc etc etc. I don't care about your opinion on how I handle my depression, everyone has their own way to fix themselves from their mental illness. So please keep your opinion to yourself. Don't get me wrong if I'm ignoring you since some of you're the source of my anxiety, my depression, or maybe you just annoyed me too much. I'm trying to protect myself from succumbing into depression state again. Please try understand me, or at least respect my decision. I don't care if it takes forever for me to recover, even if there's no chance for me to fully recover, I don't mind as long as I'm making some progress. Final start today, 9AM in the morning and I don't need any distraction that can ruin my study and revision.

On the bright side of my life, I'm making new friends. I learned many new things. My academic performance is improving. Hell yeah I scored the highest mark for certain assignment and project, which kinda like lifetime achievement since I rarely score highest mark on assignment and project. I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I read many books, AWESOME BOOKS!

So, 2016 is approaching, and I need to set some GOALS:

1. Read more books!

2. Write one story.

3. Avoid attachment to ungrateful sons/daughters of bitches.

4. Improve my academic performance.

5. Find a part time job (if possible).

So yeah, it is a goal, not a resolution. A GOAL, A TASK. THAT I NEED TO FULFILL.

So, Ali, do your best. Even if you facing the world all alone, I know you can achieve more than you dream of. Please don't give a damn about what people told behind your back. Just take care of your own personal life from now on. If someone hate you, someone despise you, someone think that you're a pain in the ass for them, that's their problem, not your's. If they care enough for you, they won't do those shitty things to you.

Cheers

A.

Stone-Hearted

There are 2 things that drives me to write in this blog. First, I write when I bored and having too much thoughts in mind. Second, I write when I'm sad, or in bad mood, or stressed, or depressed.

Today, I write because of the second reason. 

Thought: Honest session

Hi, it's been a while.

I haven't publish post for quite some times since I don't know what to share with you all (duh, as if someone open this blog and read the posts inside).

FYI, things getting better, or normal, or whatever it is. Life is always busy as usual....... *few weeks later* ........now where was I? Haha. I started to write about this during midterm break. I left it in the draft because I didn't feel like to continue writing it. So now I'll continue it anyway. I have so much things to do right now, but I feel lost, I don't know which one should i start first.

So much things revolved in my mind lately. I rarely talk to someone about my problem, my concern, etc etc etc. I just don't know who should I talk to, and if I found the person, I don't know which one should I tell. There's a time when felt like it is a completely useless to share your problem with someone because in the end, the problem never solved. Is it okay if I do things alone? By myself? Yes? No? I don't know. "You always the same" "you never change", I guess I always give someone some hard time. From that onwards, I distrust everyone. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't share my problem to anyone, even my best friends. People can't accept who I am. And I think it is better for me to be alone. The only one who can cheer me up is myself. The one who can comfort me during my bad day is myself. I've handle all the emotional damage by myself. I don't to be in love anymore.

Dear blog, I'm sorry to fill you with such negative and sad thinking. This is the only medium I have to release my sadness. And for that I'm very sorry.

Continue Moving On / The Train of Your Decision

"I know that your future is bright. Please, believe in it." -Takahiro Moriuchi

Night

Nighttime is the great hours to think, to reflect things that you did, do you think so? My mind is a universe, filled with the vastness of thoughts. I can think a lot of things when I lay down on my bed. Sometimes the thoughts led me to certain conclusion, like I'm empty inside, I can't feel love anymore. It's true anyway, my conclusion was based on my own reflection of myself in the past.

Mind is one of the most dangerous things. Situations can change with a single spark of thought in your mind. Today you might think that you choose the best option to get the best result, who knows, the next day you might think otherwise. You might think that that option is not the best one.

Sometimes, I regret to have this kind of mind, a type that always thinking, a lot, and sometimes I wasted my time just to think about anything, mostly decision. Sometimes I forced myself to make decision without think about it just for the sake of not wasting time. I try not to think about the possible outcome of my decision.

I always wondering, what does if feel to have a normal mind, the one that not working 24 hours? How to have that kind of mind. I really envy those person who can think when they really need to. There was a desperate time when I really want to stop thinking for a while, because it always led my into depression. I even consider to take drugs that can suppress my non stop thinking. Sadly, most of the drugs are labeled under controlled drug, which mean I need to see psychiatrist. I did ask some question on how to make an appointment with psychiatrist, but no one knows.

I can conclude that too much thought can lead to sadness. Maybe that's why I can't be happy. Too much thought.

A

Empty

I just realized

I'm empty

I feel empty

I don't know how to love anymore

I trying so hard to get that feeling back

But I can't

I just can't

It feel like something leaving me

Emotionally

I don't know whether I can feel happy

or sad

or mad

It gone just like that

Without explanation

Emotionless

Emptiness

That's me

I can't describe myself

I can't express myself anymore

Love and emotion is fading away

And leave me empty

Become husk

Lifeless human being

I think

I need to RESET myself

<3 A

Thought

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most depressive human of all? Ali yeah, Ali.

Well, few days ago I'm kinda struck down by depression, thank God it just a lesser depression. Negativity control almost of my mind and heart that day. It all started when I remember about my past, the one that I supposed to forget completely, yet the memory come back to me and wreck havoc in my mind.

Some of my twitter friend ask me if I'm ok, so I answer their question honestly. Then they gave some advice such as "If you ever felt depressed, please find and talk to someone", I really appreciate their advice. Yeah, I agree the people who feel depressed should talk to someone in order to reduce the depression level. Well, for me, I just want people to notice me and say "hi there, are you ok?". I'm just tired of chasing people you know. I'm glad someone contacted me through whatsapp that day, you really made my day. Thank you.

Maybe I feel a lil bit lonely on that day, since I'm living alone in this house for 2 weeks after exam. I like to be alone, but too much loneliness can cause depression.

A.

Karasu

Am I crying? Laughing? You people don't know even that
I embrace this loneliness, and the sadness turns my body pitch black
This wings will change from black to white one day
An angel outside, a demon lies within
You are the one...

In the early morning garbage dump
The black birds endure together to live
Picture us together instead of them
Then you will believe we're living in a sorrowful world

I tilt my head without changing expression on my face
In the depths of those black eyes, they have enemies on all sides

Am I crying? Laughing? You people don't know even that
I embrace this loneliness, and the sadness turn my body pitch black
One day, this wing will change from black to white
A demon inside, an angel outside
You are the ones who created this!

Looks like you looked down on me a little too much
I remember everything
Even today, from that telephone pole, I can see
The things you people did to me that day
In the name of revenge, I stand up by and for myself
The scenery you see from there is dirty isn't it?

The sword I was sharpening comes out now with no indication
I'll wound, and when I realize it, it'll be something that can't be undone
Why I was born into this era, facing such sadness?
Unable to control even myself, I'm just like a crow that's forgotten how to fly

Am I crying? Laughing? No one at all knows even that
I release this loneliness, and there's a whiteness that I must convey to someone
One day, this wings will become neither black or white
I'll become unable to see their shape, and then I'll create some new form again

Fear

What I afraid the most? Losing my precious treasure.

My mom.
My dad.
My sister.

They are my precious treasure.

For past few days, I've been living alone in this house. Didn't even try to engage physical communication except for virtual one. Day by day, the loneliness is getting stronger, you felt you wanted to talk to someone but you can't. The only way to control this loneliness is talk to anyone include strangers. Talk about some random topics, hoping to get their attention.

I've been accustomed to loneliness, being alone, doing things by myself without the help of anyone. I love to talk but at the same time I love to be alone. I remember when someone ask this question "What animal symbolize your personality?". My answer was bird. I love freedom, the feeling to do whatever I want without limitation. Bird has been associated with freedom in various way, politics , socials, religions and the list goes on.

A person like me cannot avoid the feeling of loneliness no matter how much you love to be alone rather than being with a company. Loneliness is the things that makes me sad everytime. Some people out there hates me. They hate the very existence of me. Maybe there are bad rumors about me. I don't know. I tend to avoid conflict so I try as much as I can to avoid having conversation with them, and any people associate with then. It's better to lose one person than to lose many right? So don't even bother to look for me when I decided to stay low and avoid any conversation with the likes of you.

I write when I felt sad, I write when I felt depressed. And that's what makes this blog alive, whenever I felt happy, I don't have anything to share with you guys. I don't know why.

What happened if I lose my most precious treasure? Will I be alone forever?

A.

My 100th post

Yay.

Okay, since I can't sleep because of I don't know why, I decided to publish my 100th post.

Yay again.

So this 9am I'm having my first intercession examination. So far it went well, having no trouble finishing my assignment and so on. I just worried about my examination since it is my weakest part of my studies here in UNIMAS. It is rare to see me perform well during examination, and I'm quite sure that I'll perform badly during this upcoming exam. I'm not the same person who can score a full 100% mark in my examination. Well, I just do my best anyway.

Cheers,

A.

99

I really need guidance. I just don't know where to start. Am I crazy? Is my appearance look disgusting? Am I evil? Why do people hate me? Am I a good friend to you? Are you consider me as your good friend? How so?

I'm getting worst day by day, trying so hard not to feel the loneliness that surround me. I just can't wait to start new semester and meet people in my faculty. I guess I'll never get better when I'm alone. I rarely talk verbally, and I'm afraid that one day I lose my ability to talk.

If you're curious about something, then you should ask questions about it right? Until now, no one ever try to enlighten me, everytime I ask a few question, they left me unsatisfied by not answering the question. They avoid the question, they giving a false answer, a lie. They even don't let me understand them.

What good does the ability to remember things do when it bring pains to you? How to lose memory? How to gain amnesia? The easier way is to drink alcoholic drink, or take specific drug such as xanax. The hard way? Hit your head hard until you having concussion, until you loss sense of yourself.

I don't know why people always come to me for help or advice when I can't even help myself to improve my situation. I don't deserved to have 'good person' title on me. I am the worst person on Earth. I'm a bad person, always try to find a way to commit suicide. I can't even control my addiction.

I just don't know what to do with my life. Yeah I know, by reading this, you know that I love to complicate simple things. It sucks, to have this complicated thoughts. I just don't want to remember any bad memory. That's all I need now.

Can I deal my problem alone? Can I?

A.

Thoughty thought

RAMBLING TIME!!!! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Why? Because I can't sleep. Typical me.

Okay, so I have one addiction, i started do this thing since form 3 i guess. It's kinda hard to throw away this addiction. As if it is part of my life now. And I hate it because it affect my body you know. I wanted to stop doing it since matriculation but I can't. The addiction is too strong maybe. Tbh when I still with her in the past, the addiction seems to fade away. I still do it but I didn't do it often. But after the breakup, it getting worst, out of my control. Now I desperately to stop this addiction but I can't find the way. Maybe it's too late? I'm not sure.

Short sem almost over, and I decide to stay here instead of going back to Dalat. Maybe I just need some times alone, to clear my mind from those mess I've create. Tbh, you occupied 70% of my mind right now, and I need to unload it from my mind, my memory. Whenever I think of you I feel pain, as if my heart being poke by sharp knife. I wish my emotion strip from me. I don't need any emotion. Having emotion just bring me pain.

And now, I started to like another girl, but I'm afraid to tell her of my feeling towards her. I'm not propose her to be my girlfriend or anything that has similarities. I just want to be her friend and maybe when the right time comes, I'll propose her to be my wife. I had enough of relationship that has no valid ties, it always temporary, no matter what kind of promises you've made, it will be broken someday. I hate myself for taking that route, it just waste my time. I really hoping that I have amnesia, and start new life.

A.

I'm never gonna make it

That feeling when you have the thought of not going to live long, yeah, scary and disappointing.
Well, I just wanna share my thought since I can't sleep, well, I'm having a thought about whether people around me understand me or not. I just have this feeling that no one will ever understand me eventhought I already explain about something or anything to them.

I ended up kept all things to myself and rarely talk to people around me, my close friend and my family. Whenever they ask questions, I answer it as simple and short as possible, because I hate explaining something that people don't understand. "Yes", "no", "okay", that's my common answer.

The worst part, I have the feeling that I'll will have a shorter lifespan than other normal people out there, with my current lifestyle, not eating meals properly, having migraine almosy everyday and so on. Maybe cancer cell in my body has awaken. I know "awaken" sound absurd, but you all should know this, every single human on planet Earth has cancer cell in their body, waiting for a moment of awakening and wreck havoc toward every part of your body.

Well, the simple answer? We just have to wait and see.

A.

Stargazing

Hi,

So right now I'm in the bus, travelling back to my hometown. I always travel at night. Why? Because less traffic, and less traffic leads to safer road, low probability of getting into accident. Another reason why I choose to travel at night is to stargaze the sky.

I love to stargaze since I was a child. Nowadays it is hard for me to stargaze because of light pollution from the street light, household light an so on.

When I travel during nighttime, there are no light pollution, the surrounding is almost completely dark, and I can see clearly the star shine in the sky, I can see the galaxy belt @ galaxy tentacle @ whatever it is. Right now I gazing through bus window.

The sky are so beautiful. No clouds at all. The night sky reminds me that no matter how dark your life right now, you can still find the light even if the light is dim. No matter how hard your life right now, don't ever lose hope.

Cheers,

A.

Thought of a guy who eat Nasi Ayam Percik.

Hai, and Salam Ramadhan Kareem Benzema.

Dad

Hai,

So, for today post, it's kinda emotional a lil bit, so if you want to read it, click seguente, it's up to you.

Thought of an insomnia dude

Having some heartache because of 'thing' that happened a few hours ago plus I can't sleep, so I decided to post something in my "gloomy takdak style" blog.
So I wanna ask to you, yea you. What is 'Promise'? Do promises really meant to be broken? Is promise a new type of excuse?

Sometimes I hate people that make promises that they can't keep, those people are liar, they consider promise as a deception method to get their things done. I'm quite impressed to someone who manage to fulfill their promises and for that you have my respect. Why? Because your kind are hard to find nowadays, just as similar as the legendary pokemon. Well if you don't treat them well, they might die, if you know what I mean.

And yeah I know that sometimes we need to break our promises because of certain circumstances and I can't blame them for breaking their promises, but at least try to come up with something rather than nothing. Because you guys, yeah the one who make promises, are giving us hope, a hope that someday you'll fulfill your promises toward us. But you all did differently, giving us hope with your promises, then left us hanging, waiting, and wondering. In my case, I started to stop hoping for something, let it be, almost everything, I know that I'm going to fail my first examination paper, and I don't do anything about it. I stop hoping that I can turn the tide and pass the paper. I just let it fail. Hope is the most powerful thing that can drive people to excel in anything that they pursue. The things that can destroy hope are empty promises.

I don't know whether I'm blinded by those broken promises I hold or what, but don't left us hanging and wondering, try to explain why can't you fulfill you promise.

FYI, I really hate people who make empty promises. I HATE YOU.

A.

I miss you

To be honest, I miss you. Yeah I want to meet you but I lost your phone number, phone problem, and I have to factory reset it. Maybe you wonder why I didn't contact you. Heh. Part of me said "go and meet you", the other part of me said "no". Well I'm still having this heartache when I watch your face. I tried so hard not to remember your face, so I don't have to feel the heartache.

Crashed

Yesterday you flew higher, but today, you've been shot down and brought down to Earth.

Identity

I can't understand myself any longer.

Trap and stuck

Suicide still lingering in my mind, like an old ghost hunting me, silently. It hold me tightly, never have the intention to let me go.

Lately, whenever I crossed the road, I didn't care about the condition of traffic, I crossed, and if I'm lucky, I reached the other side of the road. And if I'm not lucky, a vehicle hit me, and I'll probably dead on the spot. Everytime I crossed the road, I was hoping for a vehicle to hit me. So far, luck is on my side.

But, at the same time, I want to continue living my life. I want to reach the future where I living my life happily, without any fear, doubt, and sadness controlling me. I want to see my family happy, I want to have children, a lot of 'em.

So far, I wasted my live on assholes, a LOT of 'em. Yeah, they gave me useful experience on how asshole live their live, and for that, I am grateful. But still, they're asshole, who wasted my time, my energy, my lifespan alot. And because of you, you, and you, yeah, ESPECIALLY YOU, I need to rebuild my whole life back again.

Now you know why I always alone, because I don't trust human anymore. Why? Because of them I live my life in depression, and because of depression I have this suicide thought. I've been hit by depression for two times, and the second one by far the worst in my life.

Can I live happily in future? Without depression haunting me? Can I?

I am trap in between. The future and the present. The future seems promising, but I'm experience a gloomy life during the present.

A.

Faces

It's odd when people that I barely know a.k.a acquaintance remember my face. MasyaAllah! I don't even remember neither their face nor their name. I have a bad memory, I can't remember face of a person that I rarely meet. Even their name.

I meet a girl today, and we haven't meet each other since the 1st year of my study at UNIMAS. Her name is Pamela, a good friend to my ex neighbor at matriculation, Faris Ambas. She is friendly, talkative person yeah. I guess she is an outgoing person. I thought she is a chinese hahahaha. She is Iban.

Well, I'm glad that someone still remember me after haven't meet for 2-3 years.

Cheers.

Love, A.

Hatred

Go on 'heart',
Fill yourself with rage,
Anger,
Hatred,
That's what you're really capable of right?

Go on,
And change me into a different person,
Into a monster,
A beast,
Fueled with hatred,
Rage,
Madness.

Breakdown

The pain is coming back, those memories are coming back, the pain is bearable, but it hurtful thanks to those memories and promises you've made. I'm tortured mentally. I'm deleting, removing everything that is related to you. But no matter how hard I try, I can't stop the memories from coming back. I don't want to remember at all. There is no happiness and joy coming from that memories, only fear and suffering. Those fear and suffering paralyze me. I can't move on because I cling to the past, those memories make me so. What can I do to heal this pain? Sleep? I can't do that because I've got work to do and it need to be done.

Living my Life

I keep posting the same things over and over again. Yeah I know, it is booooooooring. But believe me, this is the one and only way for me to keep moving forward, to continue living my life, to keep looking at the bright side of my life, to keep pursuing my happyness.

Ada apa ngan huruf A?

Knp ngan huruf A?

Insomniac's Thought

Haiii, I can't sleep. Yeah. I can't. Too much things in my mind as usual. So yay, blogging time.

Suicide

How does it feel when you hang yourself?

Music

You know what is so special about music, specifically on music without the lyrics, instrumental and so on? Well I'm having a hard time to go to dreamland, and music help me a lot during that hard time. During night time, my brain is so active it won't let me go to sleep. I think a lot and I can't stop from being myself, so I try to distract myself by hearing instrumental music. I've been doing it for a week now and it helps me a lot.

I feel relaxed, calm, and in peace. I did have this thought that I need to concentrate on sleeping, hahahahahaha. Can human sleep when they try to concentrate on sleeping? I guess no.

So, I'm going to sleep now.

Love, A.

Question

I have a question to u all, but before that I need to tell u all a story, hope u all bear with my awful grammars, i'm not a good speller and my grammar is pathetic.

Okay, it is a story about a good person, 'A'. A love doing good deeds to other, and didn't asked for any rewards in return. A live a simple life, neither rich nor poor, so-so.

so one day, A fell sick and always vomit after eating. so A decided to get a medical check up at hospital. And the result was not good, worst. A was diagnosed with cancer. the doctor asked A to get a medical treatment immediately. A refused. A thanked the doctor and went home. A didn't tell about it to anyone.

So here is the questions. let say A is your bestfriend, what do you feel? In your opinions, why did A refused to get medical treatment?

Husk

Why do people throw away someone that care for them out of their lives?

Winter

I never had the opportunity to experience the coldness of winter, Well duuhhh Malaysia takde 4 musim popular. Yang popular kat Malaysia musim buah buahan, musim tengkuju and manymo (malas nak listkan semua).

FYI, winter is my favorite season among 4 of it. I really want to travel to Japan in future, and experience the life during cold season @ winter season @ whatever you wanna call it I don't care. I love Japan and that's the reason why I choose Japan instead the Greenland.

I have the addiction of wearing sweater, tak kira panas mana Malaysia ni, still nak pakai sweater, or at least bring it alone when you going to university or somewhere else. I don't know why I love sweater.

I guess I need to work hard from now on. There's no point of wishing when you didn't make any effort to fulfill it.

Pictures

Well, few weeks ago I went back to Mukah to visit the Pesta Kaul event.

Alone

Living alone is much more enjoyable than living with someone else.

I'll deal it on my own way, for this time being.

Hi,

Guess who didn't attend the counseling session, appointment, whatever it is? Me. hahahahahaha.

Thoughts

Today is the birthday of my father.

Genap 5 tahun dah tak sambut hari lahir ayah ngan mak. I feel terrible. You know, it's quite hard for me to explain things inside my mind right now, too messy. I did try, I closed my eye and tried to concentrate on my own thought, but it was useless.

Tonight around 10pm, I'll travel back to Mukah, and I'm going to spend that time enjoying life, with or without friends. I want to let go assignment and project for a while. This is a tough week for me, depression hit me again, loneliness conquer me bla bla bla whatever.

That's all I can tell you for now, argh letih nak explain messy thought ni, dah la kena fikir dalam dalam pastu nak construct sentences lagi, pun tak jadi.

Ah, I should quit rambling. Goodnight.

Recovery

Well, next week on 29th April, I got an appointment with one of the counselor in UNIMAS, her name is Mdm Debra Adrian. I know little of her.

Being hopeful

I realized that by having hope, my heart felt calm. All those negative feelings, fear, anxiety, worries, all gone, or maybe that hopeful feeling overcome all those negative feelings. I love this version of me, I love it so much. I'm going to stay hopeful, I don't care if I facing this world alone, as long as I stay hopeful, I can go through the obstacle and hardship. I can do it.

fully paralyze mentally.

I can't study properly,
I don't eat proper meal,
I sleep less,
Too much things inside my mind,
Trashy things, good for nothing.

Help me

I can't contain this hatred inside me anymore, it's too much for me to handle alone, ya Allah please don't let myself turn into a monster, a monster fuel with hatred. Someone help me. Please.

bloody Hiba

I don't know whether someone open and read my post, one or two maybe. So you notice that i started to write again.

Thought, again.

Here goes.

I think I like this girl. I like her for no reason, weird innit? She's friendly, outgoing, talkative. When I spoke to her, I didn't feel nervous at all. I think I like her.

But, there will always 'but' isn't it? Well, after the recent event, I don't know whether I can continue my life the way that I want. Yeah I like her, but I don't trust her completely. A small piece of trust, that's the only thing I can give to her now. Besides, it is hard for me to open my heart again.

A long intermission would be great to ease the pain.

Complex Thought.

Again, I post this crap cause I think too much and because of it I can't sleep.

First and foremost, regarding my mental state, I can't control my mood swing anymore, I did take online test specifically on emotional stable, and the result was predictable. 3% emotional stable, which is highly unstable, no doubt bout it. I having a thought of whether should I meet counselor, or psychologist. Or maybe I just handle it myself.

Secondly, regarding my financial state, it is low as fork. Maybe I try to find a part time job, at Starbuck maybe, besides, I love coffee.

Lastly, it is about my academic performance, I think I need to take intersession. If the answer is yay, then I decide to take EPP or ARW. I can't take those 2 subject during 1 sem 5th year. Yeah i become the legendary extend pokemon hahahahahhahaah k hambar. I the answer is nay, the I shall go back and stay at Mukah, not Dalat. Cause I want to find jobs so I can prepare for my extend year in UNIMAS.

So there you go, still I don't feel like want to sleep, too much things inside my head, even I can't sort it out.

Well I just put down the phone and shut my eye till I fall asleep.

thought

Too much things inside my mind right now, so i decided to type it. But i don't even know where to start first.

The first thing, it is about my involvement in university activities or events. So this semester, i decided not to participate any kind of event in UNIMAS. It is time for me to concentrate at my own things for time being. I am done with unimas activities.

Secondly, it is about family, to be honest, I'm not a family guy. Right now, i try to be one. My relationship with my parents is not that strong.

Third, about my study, so far no improvement, I'm still the same old me. I'm too distracted with my own thought.

Fourth, my sleep patern is distrupt, i can't even fix it. usually i slept maximum around 4 hours.

it's too much. and it is good. i cant even type properly now. i should sleep.

Empty vessel, empty shell, empty container.

I want to die, I can't take this anymore. It's really hard for me right now.

Overthinking, hyperthinking, overdriveeeeeeeee

Well, my mind blank tetiba blank right now, the idea was in my mind just now, then someone sms me.

Aku pandang pintu, pintu pandang aku.

Setiap manusia ada cara diorang yg tersendiri untuk melepaskan benda-benda yg telah terpendam dalam diri diorang.

Aku? Aku mencangkung sambil pandang pintu warna putih. Dan pintu pulak pandang aku walaupun cacat penglihatan.

Sepanjang 22 tahun aku hidup kat dunia ni, macam-macam jenis pintu aku jumpa. Pintu plastik, pintu besi, pintu takde tombol, pintu cacat(berlubang sana sini, Kena makan anai and so on), pintu bertulis(maybe cita-cita pintu tu nak jadi batu nisan, tapi gagal dalam mengejar impian), pintu shine like a diamond, pintu neraka...... Eh?

Aku respect la pintu-pintu ni, sebab tak pernah complain bila aku cuba nak melepaskan benda-benda yang terpendam dalam diri ni, tak kira ringan atau berat. Better aku kahwin ngan pintu, sebab pintu memahami diriku yang komplikated. Unlike me, yg tak pernah faham diri sendiri.

Ahhh, baru abis buang air besar, dan berat badan hilang 1kg. Dan pintu pun tumpang gembira.

:)

-END-

Observing.... Thing....s

When I studied at KML, I usually go to stadium, sit on the bench or whatever it is, then I observed people. Weird right? Supposedly people go to stadium and do some sport activity and shit, but there I was, sitting and observing people's behavior, routine and shit. Why I observe people from distance, why I didn't approach some of them, start conversation and at the same time observe their behavior and so on?

Mostly people tend to fake their behavior when they meet strangers, why? Because no one trust strangers. I myself don't trust strangers, except when in critical situation.

So, I discover that people behave in different, unique ways. And for those who said "I behave normal je, and banyak manusia kat luar tu sama mcm I." FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF WASTE PRODUCT. You see, all of us are unique in our own way. Some people love to be alone, and some love to spend their time with friends. Some people prefer manga, some prefer anime. Some people are extrovert, and some are introvert. I can't explain further cause I'm not a human behavorial professor who can explain it smoothly.

There's one thing I really want to know. I want to know the way I behave and react to my peers. I want to observe myself in 3rd person view. Why? Because I don't understand myself. People say that there's a time when I was really rude to people, but I didn't notice it at all. If I have the ability to observe myself in 3rd person view, that would be great.

This things just popped in my mind just now, the ability to see the world from other people perspective. I mean, if there is a way for human being to share their view, perspective, or record their observation and share it with other, that would be great. People can understand each other more easily I think.

So........ What now?

-END-

Anxious Attack

I really don't know what really happen to me recently, there's a time when I'm suddenly worried about something, chest ache, my heart suddenly pumping really fast. And because of that listed things, I easy get into this 'low mood' state. Low mood is a form of depression, but not as bad as mild or severe depression.

When I'm in a 'low mood' state, I easy get mad, sad, happy, or no mood at all. In other word, mood-swing. Maybe it happened because of anxiety.

Well, after that incident, I try to avoid certain place and people that have the potential to trigger the anxiety attack. I try to not to stay at faculty for too long, because staying there makes me thinking about her. And that trigger anxiety within me.

I try to avoid her friend, lagi2 la kawan rapat dia, I try to not to watch her face, read her name, doing things that remind me of her such as tengok movie kat pawagam and so on. Otherwise, it will trigger anxiety in me, which is bad for me because I need concentration on doing important task. How can I be able to concentrate if I'm in anxiety state?

I'm not afraid of things that revolving around her, but I'm afraid that this anxiety attack will bring back that severe depression in me. It is not my intention to avoid these things forever, and yeah, some people said that you have to face your problem in order for you to get free from that kind of things. But the question is, do you ready to face it?

I am not ready to face it. If I face it right now, I'm afraid that my condition will change from bad to worst.

-END-

Coming Through

I'm going to try to get better.
I'm going to try to get along better with other people.
I'm going to try to understand people's hardships better.
I'm going to try to make myself happy everyday.
I'm going to try to get through this hardship.
I'm going to try to be a better person than I was.
I'm going to try to be a stronger person than I was.

Kayuh pelan pelan Ali.
Pelan pelan.
Jangan paksa diri lagi ya.
Jangan bersedih lagi ya.
Dalam hidup ni, kita takleh nak elak diri dari disakiti.
Semua orang akan sakitkan hati orang lain.

Pain is part of life.
We can't grow stronger if we haven't experience the pain of life at all.
Be strong Ali.
Life must go on.
Be strong.
And pray for a better future.

-END-

Conversation

Having conversation with other, has brighten me up, I think.

better

I ponder, and ponder, and ponder, countless time, whether I will get better soon or not.

Connection

I'm currently reading 'Shoot the damn dog', a book written by Sally Brampton. It's a memoir about her depression.

Mostly semua perkara yg ada dlm buku tu betul, the way of depressive people think, things that they've gone through and so on. And I think, I found the cause, or the source of my depression.

The fear of lost connection with people. That's the source of my depression. It is not about break up at all. It's hard to explain actually, and it's complicated. It simply "I don't want to lost connection with people, important people.". I'm still trying to figure it out tho.

So, for almost a year, I have this strong connection toward this one person. During that period, I thought that she, yes, SHE, is the only one I needed in my life, which means, I don't need to create another strong connection with other human being. But still, I have connection between other human beings, but I did not take care of it, so the connection is getting weaker and weaker, day by day. Well, I thought it is going to be OK in future, and I was wrong about it.

After she cut her connection toward me, it was a disaster. I can't cope with the fact that we doesn't have that strong connection anymore. At the beginning, I try to talk to my friends about this but I can't. I just can't. If I knew about her problem from the beginning, maybe it will ended well, and we'll still contact each other, as a good friend, or just friend. Right now, I'm trying to built a strong connection toward my family and my friends, maybe it'll take forever, but I'll do my best.

Some people believe in this mantra: 'It is better to be alone' and believe that this is the only solution not to get hurt. They believe that anything that they love will be taken away in future. So they decided never to become too attached to anything. By doing this, they are unlikely to get hurt, emotionally. Well, the solution then becomes the problem. Human natural setting is to seek out other person, male seek female, and vice versa. Let say a married couple having a conversation, and one of them believe on that mantra. On the surface, that person want to have conversations and so on, but still remain withdrawn inside. Surely the marriage won't last long.

The truth is, 'it is easier to be alone, but it never feels right to be alone'. Honestly it never feels right. And I believe I'll be more happier if I connected to other people.

-END-

Dear You

Hi,

I know you don't know me, and I don't know you (or maybe we both know each other lol), but I know you're beautiful.

I Destroy Everything I touched, Destroy Everything I hold Dearly

I don't deserved to be loved by someone anymore.

I miss her.

Being senyap and do the same things like I did before, is...... emmmm, I don't know.

Asshole

I'm an Asshole, fullstops.

Depression

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world known not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad" -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Toshi and Hiba.

When I'm depressed, I noticed one thing.

There are 2 entities that exist inside my mind. The good one, and the bad one.

Pesan Mak.

Mak pernah pesan kat Ali,

"Be good to other, always. No matter how hard your situation right now, just be good to other, include the one who hurt you."

'You'

I've never thought that this day would come. She leaving me for good this time. She said she doesn't love me anymore.

Hurt

That moment when you feel lonely. Hurt. My heart hurts a lot. Kawan tak pernah nak dtg jumpa, and the one who always make some efford to build connection between me and them, is always myself. That hurts, a lot. I'm tired of this unwanted feeling. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired for being patients of almost 5 years. I'm tired, of everything. I've tried to build the connections, but what did I get in return? They turned away. Dying without no one know, it scared me you know? Because I'm wondering, what if I die tomorrow, would they come and visit me for the last time? Depress gila kot. Dok rumah, main game, makan, tido, gi surau. Tu je keja waktu cuti ni. Org nak stay mukah but mom won't allow it. Nak kerja pun tak dapat, nak ambik lesen moto pun tak boleh. So apa la gunanya aku hidup 22 tahun ni, but still dilayan mcm budak kecik?

I dunno whether I wanna go home the next sem break nanti.