I'll deal it on my own way, for this time being.

Hi,

Guess who didn't attend the counseling session, appointment, whatever it is? Me. hahahahahaha.

Thoughts

Today is the birthday of my father.

Genap 5 tahun dah tak sambut hari lahir ayah ngan mak. I feel terrible. You know, it's quite hard for me to explain things inside my mind right now, too messy. I did try, I closed my eye and tried to concentrate on my own thought, but it was useless.

Tonight around 10pm, I'll travel back to Mukah, and I'm going to spend that time enjoying life, with or without friends. I want to let go assignment and project for a while. This is a tough week for me, depression hit me again, loneliness conquer me bla bla bla whatever.

That's all I can tell you for now, argh letih nak explain messy thought ni, dah la kena fikir dalam dalam pastu nak construct sentences lagi, pun tak jadi.

Ah, I should quit rambling. Goodnight.

Recovery

Well, next week on 29th April, I got an appointment with one of the counselor in UNIMAS, her name is Mdm Debra Adrian. I know little of her.

Being hopeful

I realized that by having hope, my heart felt calm. All those negative feelings, fear, anxiety, worries, all gone, or maybe that hopeful feeling overcome all those negative feelings. I love this version of me, I love it so much. I'm going to stay hopeful, I don't care if I facing this world alone, as long as I stay hopeful, I can go through the obstacle and hardship. I can do it.

fully paralyze mentally.

I can't study properly,
I don't eat proper meal,
I sleep less,
Too much things inside my mind,
Trashy things, good for nothing.

Help me

I can't contain this hatred inside me anymore, it's too much for me to handle alone, ya Allah please don't let myself turn into a monster, a monster fuel with hatred. Someone help me. Please.

bloody Hiba

I don't know whether someone open and read my post, one or two maybe. So you notice that i started to write again.

Thought, again.

Here goes.

I think I like this girl. I like her for no reason, weird innit? She's friendly, outgoing, talkative. When I spoke to her, I didn't feel nervous at all. I think I like her.

But, there will always 'but' isn't it? Well, after the recent event, I don't know whether I can continue my life the way that I want. Yeah I like her, but I don't trust her completely. A small piece of trust, that's the only thing I can give to her now. Besides, it is hard for me to open my heart again.

A long intermission would be great to ease the pain.

Complex Thought.

Again, I post this crap cause I think too much and because of it I can't sleep.

First and foremost, regarding my mental state, I can't control my mood swing anymore, I did take online test specifically on emotional stable, and the result was predictable. 3% emotional stable, which is highly unstable, no doubt bout it. I having a thought of whether should I meet counselor, or psychologist. Or maybe I just handle it myself.

Secondly, regarding my financial state, it is low as fork. Maybe I try to find a part time job, at Starbuck maybe, besides, I love coffee.

Lastly, it is about my academic performance, I think I need to take intersession. If the answer is yay, then I decide to take EPP or ARW. I can't take those 2 subject during 1 sem 5th year. Yeah i become the legendary extend pokemon hahahahahhahaah k hambar. I the answer is nay, the I shall go back and stay at Mukah, not Dalat. Cause I want to find jobs so I can prepare for my extend year in UNIMAS.

So there you go, still I don't feel like want to sleep, too much things inside my head, even I can't sort it out.

Well I just put down the phone and shut my eye till I fall asleep.

thought

Too much things inside my mind right now, so i decided to type it. But i don't even know where to start first.

The first thing, it is about my involvement in university activities or events. So this semester, i decided not to participate any kind of event in UNIMAS. It is time for me to concentrate at my own things for time being. I am done with unimas activities.

Secondly, it is about family, to be honest, I'm not a family guy. Right now, i try to be one. My relationship with my parents is not that strong.

Third, about my study, so far no improvement, I'm still the same old me. I'm too distracted with my own thought.

Fourth, my sleep patern is distrupt, i can't even fix it. usually i slept maximum around 4 hours.

it's too much. and it is good. i cant even type properly now. i should sleep.

Empty vessel, empty shell, empty container.

I want to die, I can't take this anymore. It's really hard for me right now.