Overthinking, hyperthinking, overdriveeeeeeeee

Well, my mind blank tetiba blank right now, the idea was in my mind just now, then someone sms me.

Aku pandang pintu, pintu pandang aku.

Setiap manusia ada cara diorang yg tersendiri untuk melepaskan benda-benda yg telah terpendam dalam diri diorang.

Aku? Aku mencangkung sambil pandang pintu warna putih. Dan pintu pulak pandang aku walaupun cacat penglihatan.

Sepanjang 22 tahun aku hidup kat dunia ni, macam-macam jenis pintu aku jumpa. Pintu plastik, pintu besi, pintu takde tombol, pintu cacat(berlubang sana sini, Kena makan anai and so on), pintu bertulis(maybe cita-cita pintu tu nak jadi batu nisan, tapi gagal dalam mengejar impian), pintu shine like a diamond, pintu neraka...... Eh?

Aku respect la pintu-pintu ni, sebab tak pernah complain bila aku cuba nak melepaskan benda-benda yang terpendam dalam diri ni, tak kira ringan atau berat. Better aku kahwin ngan pintu, sebab pintu memahami diriku yang komplikated. Unlike me, yg tak pernah faham diri sendiri.

Ahhh, baru abis buang air besar, dan berat badan hilang 1kg. Dan pintu pun tumpang gembira.

:)

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Observing.... Thing....s

When I studied at KML, I usually go to stadium, sit on the bench or whatever it is, then I observed people. Weird right? Supposedly people go to stadium and do some sport activity and shit, but there I was, sitting and observing people's behavior, routine and shit. Why I observe people from distance, why I didn't approach some of them, start conversation and at the same time observe their behavior and so on?

Mostly people tend to fake their behavior when they meet strangers, why? Because no one trust strangers. I myself don't trust strangers, except when in critical situation.

So, I discover that people behave in different, unique ways. And for those who said "I behave normal je, and banyak manusia kat luar tu sama mcm I." FUCK YOU, YOU PIECE OF WASTE PRODUCT. You see, all of us are unique in our own way. Some people love to be alone, and some love to spend their time with friends. Some people prefer manga, some prefer anime. Some people are extrovert, and some are introvert. I can't explain further cause I'm not a human behavorial professor who can explain it smoothly.

There's one thing I really want to know. I want to know the way I behave and react to my peers. I want to observe myself in 3rd person view. Why? Because I don't understand myself. People say that there's a time when I was really rude to people, but I didn't notice it at all. If I have the ability to observe myself in 3rd person view, that would be great.

This things just popped in my mind just now, the ability to see the world from other people perspective. I mean, if there is a way for human being to share their view, perspective, or record their observation and share it with other, that would be great. People can understand each other more easily I think.

So........ What now?

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Anxious Attack

I really don't know what really happen to me recently, there's a time when I'm suddenly worried about something, chest ache, my heart suddenly pumping really fast. And because of that listed things, I easy get into this 'low mood' state. Low mood is a form of depression, but not as bad as mild or severe depression.

When I'm in a 'low mood' state, I easy get mad, sad, happy, or no mood at all. In other word, mood-swing. Maybe it happened because of anxiety.

Well, after that incident, I try to avoid certain place and people that have the potential to trigger the anxiety attack. I try to not to stay at faculty for too long, because staying there makes me thinking about her. And that trigger anxiety within me.

I try to avoid her friend, lagi2 la kawan rapat dia, I try to not to watch her face, read her name, doing things that remind me of her such as tengok movie kat pawagam and so on. Otherwise, it will trigger anxiety in me, which is bad for me because I need concentration on doing important task. How can I be able to concentrate if I'm in anxiety state?

I'm not afraid of things that revolving around her, but I'm afraid that this anxiety attack will bring back that severe depression in me. It is not my intention to avoid these things forever, and yeah, some people said that you have to face your problem in order for you to get free from that kind of things. But the question is, do you ready to face it?

I am not ready to face it. If I face it right now, I'm afraid that my condition will change from bad to worst.

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Coming Through

I'm going to try to get better.
I'm going to try to get along better with other people.
I'm going to try to understand people's hardships better.
I'm going to try to make myself happy everyday.
I'm going to try to get through this hardship.
I'm going to try to be a better person than I was.
I'm going to try to be a stronger person than I was.

Kayuh pelan pelan Ali.
Pelan pelan.
Jangan paksa diri lagi ya.
Jangan bersedih lagi ya.
Dalam hidup ni, kita takleh nak elak diri dari disakiti.
Semua orang akan sakitkan hati orang lain.

Pain is part of life.
We can't grow stronger if we haven't experience the pain of life at all.
Be strong Ali.
Life must go on.
Be strong.
And pray for a better future.

-END-

Conversation

Having conversation with other, has brighten me up, I think.

better

I ponder, and ponder, and ponder, countless time, whether I will get better soon or not.

Connection

I'm currently reading 'Shoot the damn dog', a book written by Sally Brampton. It's a memoir about her depression.

Mostly semua perkara yg ada dlm buku tu betul, the way of depressive people think, things that they've gone through and so on. And I think, I found the cause, or the source of my depression.

The fear of lost connection with people. That's the source of my depression. It is not about break up at all. It's hard to explain actually, and it's complicated. It simply "I don't want to lost connection with people, important people.". I'm still trying to figure it out tho.

So, for almost a year, I have this strong connection toward this one person. During that period, I thought that she, yes, SHE, is the only one I needed in my life, which means, I don't need to create another strong connection with other human being. But still, I have connection between other human beings, but I did not take care of it, so the connection is getting weaker and weaker, day by day. Well, I thought it is going to be OK in future, and I was wrong about it.

After she cut her connection toward me, it was a disaster. I can't cope with the fact that we doesn't have that strong connection anymore. At the beginning, I try to talk to my friends about this but I can't. I just can't. If I knew about her problem from the beginning, maybe it will ended well, and we'll still contact each other, as a good friend, or just friend. Right now, I'm trying to built a strong connection toward my family and my friends, maybe it'll take forever, but I'll do my best.

Some people believe in this mantra: 'It is better to be alone' and believe that this is the only solution not to get hurt. They believe that anything that they love will be taken away in future. So they decided never to become too attached to anything. By doing this, they are unlikely to get hurt, emotionally. Well, the solution then becomes the problem. Human natural setting is to seek out other person, male seek female, and vice versa. Let say a married couple having a conversation, and one of them believe on that mantra. On the surface, that person want to have conversations and so on, but still remain withdrawn inside. Surely the marriage won't last long.

The truth is, 'it is easier to be alone, but it never feels right to be alone'. Honestly it never feels right. And I believe I'll be more happier if I connected to other people.

-END-

Dear You

Hi,

I know you don't know me, and I don't know you (or maybe we both know each other lol), but I know you're beautiful.

I Destroy Everything I touched, Destroy Everything I hold Dearly

I don't deserved to be loved by someone anymore.

I miss her.

Being senyap and do the same things like I did before, is...... emmmm, I don't know.

Asshole

I'm an Asshole, fullstops.

Depression

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world known not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad" -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow