Karasu

Am I crying? Laughing? You people don't know even that
I embrace this loneliness, and the sadness turns my body pitch black
This wings will change from black to white one day
An angel outside, a demon lies within
You are the one...

In the early morning garbage dump
The black birds endure together to live
Picture us together instead of them
Then you will believe we're living in a sorrowful world

I tilt my head without changing expression on my face
In the depths of those black eyes, they have enemies on all sides

Am I crying? Laughing? You people don't know even that
I embrace this loneliness, and the sadness turn my body pitch black
One day, this wing will change from black to white
A demon inside, an angel outside
You are the ones who created this!

Looks like you looked down on me a little too much
I remember everything
Even today, from that telephone pole, I can see
The things you people did to me that day
In the name of revenge, I stand up by and for myself
The scenery you see from there is dirty isn't it?

The sword I was sharpening comes out now with no indication
I'll wound, and when I realize it, it'll be something that can't be undone
Why I was born into this era, facing such sadness?
Unable to control even myself, I'm just like a crow that's forgotten how to fly

Am I crying? Laughing? No one at all knows even that
I release this loneliness, and there's a whiteness that I must convey to someone
One day, this wings will become neither black or white
I'll become unable to see their shape, and then I'll create some new form again

Fear

What I afraid the most? Losing my precious treasure.

My mom.
My dad.
My sister.

They are my precious treasure.

For past few days, I've been living alone in this house. Didn't even try to engage physical communication except for virtual one. Day by day, the loneliness is getting stronger, you felt you wanted to talk to someone but you can't. The only way to control this loneliness is talk to anyone include strangers. Talk about some random topics, hoping to get their attention.

I've been accustomed to loneliness, being alone, doing things by myself without the help of anyone. I love to talk but at the same time I love to be alone. I remember when someone ask this question "What animal symbolize your personality?". My answer was bird. I love freedom, the feeling to do whatever I want without limitation. Bird has been associated with freedom in various way, politics , socials, religions and the list goes on.

A person like me cannot avoid the feeling of loneliness no matter how much you love to be alone rather than being with a company. Loneliness is the things that makes me sad everytime. Some people out there hates me. They hate the very existence of me. Maybe there are bad rumors about me. I don't know. I tend to avoid conflict so I try as much as I can to avoid having conversation with them, and any people associate with then. It's better to lose one person than to lose many right? So don't even bother to look for me when I decided to stay low and avoid any conversation with the likes of you.

I write when I felt sad, I write when I felt depressed. And that's what makes this blog alive, whenever I felt happy, I don't have anything to share with you guys. I don't know why.

What happened if I lose my most precious treasure? Will I be alone forever?

A.

My 100th post

Yay.

Okay, since I can't sleep because of I don't know why, I decided to publish my 100th post.

Yay again.

So this 9am I'm having my first intercession examination. So far it went well, having no trouble finishing my assignment and so on. I just worried about my examination since it is my weakest part of my studies here in UNIMAS. It is rare to see me perform well during examination, and I'm quite sure that I'll perform badly during this upcoming exam. I'm not the same person who can score a full 100% mark in my examination. Well, I just do my best anyway.

Cheers,

A.

99

I really need guidance. I just don't know where to start. Am I crazy? Is my appearance look disgusting? Am I evil? Why do people hate me? Am I a good friend to you? Are you consider me as your good friend? How so?

I'm getting worst day by day, trying so hard not to feel the loneliness that surround me. I just can't wait to start new semester and meet people in my faculty. I guess I'll never get better when I'm alone. I rarely talk verbally, and I'm afraid that one day I lose my ability to talk.

If you're curious about something, then you should ask questions about it right? Until now, no one ever try to enlighten me, everytime I ask a few question, they left me unsatisfied by not answering the question. They avoid the question, they giving a false answer, a lie. They even don't let me understand them.

What good does the ability to remember things do when it bring pains to you? How to lose memory? How to gain amnesia? The easier way is to drink alcoholic drink, or take specific drug such as xanax. The hard way? Hit your head hard until you having concussion, until you loss sense of yourself.

I don't know why people always come to me for help or advice when I can't even help myself to improve my situation. I don't deserved to have 'good person' title on me. I am the worst person on Earth. I'm a bad person, always try to find a way to commit suicide. I can't even control my addiction.

I just don't know what to do with my life. Yeah I know, by reading this, you know that I love to complicate simple things. It sucks, to have this complicated thoughts. I just don't want to remember any bad memory. That's all I need now.

Can I deal my problem alone? Can I?

A.

Thoughty thought

RAMBLING TIME!!!! Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

Why? Because I can't sleep. Typical me.

Okay, so I have one addiction, i started do this thing since form 3 i guess. It's kinda hard to throw away this addiction. As if it is part of my life now. And I hate it because it affect my body you know. I wanted to stop doing it since matriculation but I can't. The addiction is too strong maybe. Tbh when I still with her in the past, the addiction seems to fade away. I still do it but I didn't do it often. But after the breakup, it getting worst, out of my control. Now I desperately to stop this addiction but I can't find the way. Maybe it's too late? I'm not sure.

Short sem almost over, and I decide to stay here instead of going back to Dalat. Maybe I just need some times alone, to clear my mind from those mess I've create. Tbh, you occupied 70% of my mind right now, and I need to unload it from my mind, my memory. Whenever I think of you I feel pain, as if my heart being poke by sharp knife. I wish my emotion strip from me. I don't need any emotion. Having emotion just bring me pain.

And now, I started to like another girl, but I'm afraid to tell her of my feeling towards her. I'm not propose her to be my girlfriend or anything that has similarities. I just want to be her friend and maybe when the right time comes, I'll propose her to be my wife. I had enough of relationship that has no valid ties, it always temporary, no matter what kind of promises you've made, it will be broken someday. I hate myself for taking that route, it just waste my time. I really hoping that I have amnesia, and start new life.

A.