become one

it has been a while, like 1 year ago. Installed blog apps on smartphone, cuz i need to write something, else I'll forgot and the thought might gone forever. so i just read about depression, got it from a link posted on facebook, and surprisingly, the contents in that site kinda true.

I can only talk about depression through my perspective. About 3 years ago, I succumb to depression, it was a hard time, everytime i went out of the house, i forced myself to switch into a persona, a kind of happy go lucky that i usually show to other people, but when i went back into my room, my personal space, i become myself again, the one who succumb into depression. sometimes i cried, hurt myself, you name it. that was a tough time. that suicide thought always pop in my mind, cuz i can't handle the mental pain. why don't you ask for help from other people you asked? simple, cuz i don't want to burden them with my problem, and with that kind of mentality, i started to do things on my own, and reaching someone for help is my last resort when facing problems. 3 years ago, i just thought depression is a mental type of pain, it hurts you mentally, and all can i say is that 3 years ago, that dark entity known as depression was trying to consumed me, conquering my mind, and in that process hurting me.

3 years later, I'm still thinking about suicide and depressive stuff. but it feel weird, because whenever I thinking about it, I don't feel pain, mentally speaking. surprisingly, i feel content about it. also, 3 years of putting that happy-go-lucky persona just makes me unable to find myself, in fact, right now I'm in the stage of finding which one is the real me. i feel lost, unable to find a way to move on, as if time has stop. thinking about suicide just makes me feel empty, i feel nothing. as if depression has became part of me now, part of my identity that no one knew.

And about people that spreading awareness about mental, im just having a thought that no matter how willing you to help people in depression, there will be one day that you just fed up with people who experiencing depression. that is one of my reason to not getting help from people. if you guys offended with my statement above, im sorry, but i don't give a sheet anyway. just my 2 cents. who know you guy might change my perspective in future endeavours. detecting people who having a heavy depression are hard. cuz they are the master of hiding their pain and suffering.

thats all.