Identity

I can't understand myself any longer.

Trap and stuck

Suicide still lingering in my mind, like an old ghost hunting me, silently. It hold me tightly, never have the intention to let me go.

Lately, whenever I crossed the road, I didn't care about the condition of traffic, I crossed, and if I'm lucky, I reached the other side of the road. And if I'm not lucky, a vehicle hit me, and I'll probably dead on the spot. Everytime I crossed the road, I was hoping for a vehicle to hit me. So far, luck is on my side.

But, at the same time, I want to continue living my life. I want to reach the future where I living my life happily, without any fear, doubt, and sadness controlling me. I want to see my family happy, I want to have children, a lot of 'em.

So far, I wasted my live on assholes, a LOT of 'em. Yeah, they gave me useful experience on how asshole live their live, and for that, I am grateful. But still, they're asshole, who wasted my time, my energy, my lifespan alot. And because of you, you, and you, yeah, ESPECIALLY YOU, I need to rebuild my whole life back again.

Now you know why I always alone, because I don't trust human anymore. Why? Because of them I live my life in depression, and because of depression I have this suicide thought. I've been hit by depression for two times, and the second one by far the worst in my life.

Can I live happily in future? Without depression haunting me? Can I?

I am trap in between. The future and the present. The future seems promising, but I'm experience a gloomy life during the present.

A.

Faces

It's odd when people that I barely know a.k.a acquaintance remember my face. MasyaAllah! I don't even remember neither their face nor their name. I have a bad memory, I can't remember face of a person that I rarely meet. Even their name.

I meet a girl today, and we haven't meet each other since the 1st year of my study at UNIMAS. Her name is Pamela, a good friend to my ex neighbor at matriculation, Faris Ambas. She is friendly, talkative person yeah. I guess she is an outgoing person. I thought she is a chinese hahahaha. She is Iban.

Well, I'm glad that someone still remember me after haven't meet for 2-3 years.

Cheers.

Love, A.

Hatred

Go on 'heart',
Fill yourself with rage,
Anger,
Hatred,
That's what you're really capable of right?

Go on,
And change me into a different person,
Into a monster,
A beast,
Fueled with hatred,
Rage,
Madness.

Breakdown

The pain is coming back, those memories are coming back, the pain is bearable, but it hurtful thanks to those memories and promises you've made. I'm tortured mentally. I'm deleting, removing everything that is related to you. But no matter how hard I try, I can't stop the memories from coming back. I don't want to remember at all. There is no happiness and joy coming from that memories, only fear and suffering. Those fear and suffering paralyze me. I can't move on because I cling to the past, those memories make me so. What can I do to heal this pain? Sleep? I can't do that because I've got work to do and it need to be done.

Living my Life

I keep posting the same things over and over again. Yeah I know, it is booooooooring. But believe me, this is the one and only way for me to keep moving forward, to continue living my life, to keep looking at the bright side of my life, to keep pursuing my happyness.

Ada apa ngan huruf A?

Knp ngan huruf A?

Insomniac's Thought

Haiii, I can't sleep. Yeah. I can't. Too much things in my mind as usual. So yay, blogging time.

Suicide

How does it feel when you hang yourself?

Music

You know what is so special about music, specifically on music without the lyrics, instrumental and so on? Well I'm having a hard time to go to dreamland, and music help me a lot during that hard time. During night time, my brain is so active it won't let me go to sleep. I think a lot and I can't stop from being myself, so I try to distract myself by hearing instrumental music. I've been doing it for a week now and it helps me a lot.

I feel relaxed, calm, and in peace. I did have this thought that I need to concentrate on sleeping, hahahahahaha. Can human sleep when they try to concentrate on sleeping? I guess no.

So, I'm going to sleep now.

Love, A.